There’s nothing worse than closing the front door behind you and realizing you’ve just locked yourself out. Whether you’re taking out the trash, heading off to work, or simply taking your aunt’s mini poodle (which she, of course, dresses like Paris Hilton) out for a stroll, it pretty much sucks. It happens to everyone, some much more than others, and it makes you feel like a complete idiot. Better still, you LOOK like a complete idiot to everyone that passes by as they conveniently forget the fact they’ve been there themselves.
As a result, most people panic once they realize they’re caught between a locked door and the world wearing nothing but their Barney pj’s.
They get angry, they get scared, they feel alone and vulnerable. And then they embarass themselves. They pace back and forth between a car door they can’t open and a house door that’s laughing in their face, cursing under their breath. They call someone to come let them in and spend the next hour having imaginary conversations on the phone in a vain attempt to save face and look normal to the neighbors.
(I know all of this from observation of course, not personal experience.)
And just to make things that much sweeter, the hot neighbor they’re borderline in love with walks by sporting a look that seems to say, “Locked out? What a loser. Never happens to me. What a douche”.
At this point you might as well be back in middle school covered in zits with your pants down in math class courtesy of the lacrosse team (again, observation only). You’re as self conscience as it gets.
This doesn’t have to be your story anymore. While this article won’t teach you how to avoid locking yourself out – which, in hindsight would have probably been much more useful – it will show you how to keep yourself under control, entertained and feeling smooth when you do.
Below I’ve listed a few ways to keep it cool when there’s a locked door between you and your janglies, so that next time it happens, you’ll be prepared.
1. Set up a sidewalk stand and sell the mini poodle’s Paris Hilton endorsed fur coat. Use the money to buy some aviator sunglasses, a tight, white undershirt and a mini boombox that plays “Hanging with the boys” by Kenny Loggins. No one ever looks awkward sporting Top Gun shades and rocking out to Kenny Loggins tunes, no matter what kind of dog they’re walking.
2. MaCgyver yourself into your house with a paperclip, two closepins, a tubesock and one stick of dynamite. If it works, you’ll be that much cooler. If it doesn’t, you’ll probably knock out a wall, thus solving your locked out problem. It’s a win win option really.
3. When your temper starts to flare, which it inevitably will, start snapping your fingers in rhythm and sporadically leaping into jazzy ballet moves. And remember, play it cool, because when you’re a jet you’re a jet all the way.
4. Shave the mini poodle, and sell it’s real fur coat. Use the money for any medical expenses resulting from dynamite misuse.
5. Think of logical explanations to give your aunt concerning why you shaved the mini poodle.
6. Be productive and wash your car. Dogs make excellent sponges. (note: this should really be listed before number 4)
7. Relax. If you actually had a shot with the hot neighbor, you blew it long ago with the Barney pants, not by locking yourself out. So no worries.
Let me know if you have any other tips, I’m sure all of my friends who frequently find themselves locked out would really appreciate it.
The HA Guy
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