Proper Gym Etiquette-Part 1

By HA_Guy

locker20room As more and more Americans decide to close the potato chip bag, get off the couch and get back in shape, you might start to notice your local gym getting a bit more crowded. While it’s great that Americans are starting to improve their health, the added number of people sharing gym equipment and locker rooms can lead to a more stressful workout experience.

In order to stem any potential altercations, I’ve taken it upon myself to write a few posts focused on fostering proper gym etiquette. If everyone would take the time to read these posts, take them to heart, pat me on the back for a job well done and pass them along to their fellow gym users, our gyms will be a better place to exercise – and my self esteem will get a much needed boost considering my 95lb. max on the bench press tends to hold it in check quite effectively.

In the first part of this series, we’re going to take a look at the kind of locker room behavior that’s unacceptable, unwarranted and/or plain ridiculous. The following falls under the unwarranted category, with a little bit of plain ridiculous on the side. Consider the following situation:

You’ve just completed a great workout. Your endorphins are flowing, you’re feeling pumped and ripped despite your 157 lb. frame, and it’s time to clean up, grab your gear, and head back home. You walk into the locker room, take a seat on the bench and boom, two saggy, old-man ass cheeks are staring you right in the face. The proud owner of these babies is pushing 65 and seems to be in no hurry to conceal them. Instead, he’s content to flash them around the locker room while he “air dries”. You don’t want to look, but you can’t help it. They’re right there, and they’re not going away.

–No problem, you think to yourself. Just need to quickly finish untying your shoes, and jump in the shower.–

You get shoe number one off, look to your left for a little relief and boom, you’re treated with the glorious site of old man number two standing over an AC vent air drying his balls. He’s got one testicle in each hand, his arms spread wide like he’s guarding Kobe Bryant, and he’s sporting that content, old man grin of satisfaction.

–Scratch the shower, it’s time to retie your shoes, grab your bag and get the hell out of there.–

This is when things really get serious. Old man Larry – current owner of the gym’s bench press record in the 80 and over division – exits the steam room, strides your way with his sweaty junk swaying in the cool locker room breeze, and asks if you saw him on the elliptical machine flirting with that hot chick on the bike next to him.

–Forget retying the shoes. Forget your stuff. The threat of tripping, busting in your face and/or canceling and signing up for new credit cards doesn’t seem all that terrible anymore.–

What’s the deal? Why do old guys enjoy bare-assing it for hours in the locker room, walking around talking to everyone claiming they’re air drying? It doesn’t take four hours and nine conversations about your prostate health to air dry.

So, now you’re extremely uncomfortable and stuck in a conversation with a naked man. It’s a common situation, and the proper etiquette needs to observed so that our gyms continue to run smoothly.

Now, at this point, this article is probably about to go in a different direction than you think.

Proper locker room etiquette, in the above situation, rests on your shoulders, not those of the senior citizens’. The improper thing to do, is to become angry or publicly grossed out at the quantity of old man parts you’re being subjected to. (By all means be secretly grossed out, we all are, just keep it yourself.)

In the locker room setting, it’s all about being a man. And a big part of being a man is respecting your elders, especially when they’re naked. So suck it up, and have a chat with old man Larry about how that hot new personal trainer might be into him. It will make his day, and you might end up learning a little something about him, and how the old school picks up women.

Because let’s face it, one day in the not so far off future, you yourself are going to wake up, hit the gym and think, “Hey, my prostate feels great. I think I’ll take a shower and walk around naked for a few hours and tell everyone about it.” And at the point, you’ll expect the young guns in the gym to saddle up and deal with your hairy old ass like you had to do 30 years earlier.

(Plus you’ll be pumped that Amanda, the 22 year old aerobics instructor smiled at you, and you’ll need to tell somebody.)

The HA Guy