How To Become A Morning Person

A lot of readers write to me asking for advice on how to become a morning person. They want to wake up early, experience the sunrise and enjoy a healthy, more productive lifestyle. I don’t see the logic in any of this, but have decided to do the research and write an informative article in order to benefit my readers who do.

I’d like to start by reminding everyone that if you’ve had years of practice sleeping in and eating breakfast at noon, making the transition into being a morning person will take some time. It could take weeks of failing and possibly even months. And once you feel you’ve got the hang of things, you may still run into setbacks. You’ll have to stay focused and determined as it will be very easy to lapse back in to your old “stay up late, sleep late” behavior.

Sleeping late is like crack cocaine. Once you start, quitting cold turkey just leads to hallucinations and nose bleeds.

But, with a little hardwork, a lot of dedication and an enormous amount of insanity, you’ll be able to overcome the withdrawals, minimize the crazed manaical episodes related to waking up early and truly become a morning person. And to help you make the change, I’ve developed a 6 step program that will transform any snoozer into one of those people who won’t stop talking on the train during the morning commute. (Again, despite the fact that this goes against everything I believe in and that a world void of perky morning people sounds nothing but delightful to me, I’m doing this for you, my loyal readers – all 6 of you.)

Step 1
Get TiVo, record Conan O’Brian, and head to bed at a decent time. Getting up early starts with going to bed early. You’ll miss out on live late night performances, but you’ll be up early enough to catch the witty banter that inevitably unfolds when you pair a chatty blonde with an elderly man named Regis.

Step 2
Train yourself to hit the snooze button no more than twice. The best way to do this, is to position your alarm clock several feet away from your bed so that you have to get up to turn it off. It also helps to invest in an alarm clock that slaps you in the face once you get to it.

Step 3
Pay attention to what you wake up to. If your alarm consists of a babbling brook or a soft breeze whistling through a meadow, don’t expect to wake up and not be tempted to drift back into glorious slumber. You need to wake up to something alarming (hence the origin of alarm clock). I suggest recordings of screaming children, old Rush Limbaugh radio shows or anything by Michael Bolton. If it turns out you or the person you are sending this article to actually likes Michael Bolton, please see the related article How To Deal With A Michael Bolton Addiction.

Step 4
Once “How Am I Supposed To Live Without You” tears you from peaceful sleep, drink a ridiculous amount of coffee. The only thing truly separating you from all of the other morning people of the world is drinking 9 cups of coffee before 8am. Sure, your breath will smell, your teeth will become irreversibly yellow and your hands will shake uncontrollably, but isn’t seeing the sunrise with your eyes popping out of your head worth it?

Step 5
Take cold showers, even in the winter. To truly be a morning person and stay awake when your natural instincts are to be happy and sleep, you have to make yourself constantly uncomfortable. Also consider buying a rooster, switching your bedside lamp for a strobe light and sleeping on a sandpaper pillowcase.

Step 6
Line your sheets with smelling salts and/or hire Michael Bolton to sing to you live every morning. Both will jolt you from sleep and make you flee your home like it’s burning to the ground.

Well, I hope you enjoy what sounds to me like pure torture. It’ll take some effort, but you’ll be a morning person in no time.

Feel free to leave comments on whether or not this article was helpful. Just know that I won’t be reading them until at least mid afternoon.

The HA Guy