How To Pick Up Women - Rod Blagojevich Style

By HA_Guy

blagojevich

While the need to pick up women is the same for every man, the means in which it’s attempted varies from guy to guy.

Not everyone can use their striking physical features like Brad Pitt, or their rapier wit and smooth talking abilities like Ronald Reagan. And not every man is what you would call an honest person. But average, untrustworthy people need love as much as anyone (if not much more).

So with Rod Blagojevich, ex-governor of Illinois, in mind, I’ve developed a guide to picking up women for the somewhat morally challenged.

First off, spend a few moments scoping out the bar. Once you’ve located a woman worthy of your time and efforts, check her for wire tappings and ask if she’s employed by the FBI. Take her bracelet from her, maybe one of her shoes and give her hair a quick tassle. You may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but hey, you’re certainly not going to make that mistake again.

Once you’ve determined she’s clean, tell her you’ve recently discovered an opening for a date with you this Friday night. Tell her you’ve been looking for someone to fill this spot for over an hour and she seems to be the best candidate. She’ll start to get excited, but don’t let her get too ahead of herself. Remind her this opportunity to go out with you is f-ing golden and you’re not just going to give it up for f-ing nothing. Make sure she knows she’ll need to put out when the date’s over.

When she acts offended, in that obviouly insincere manner women typically give you, tell her you’re all for babies, health care and old people (as long as the money’s right). Throw in education, the special olympics and chocolate if necessary.

Once you get her focused on your awesomeness again, suggest that she hand over her number. When she does, mention it might be a year or two before you decide to call her as you’re heading off to Indonesia to give medical aid to the ailing flamingo population and probably give chocolate to some kids at a foster home. Of course you’ll mean prison, but that’s a minor detail.

With her number in your pocket, and the mission successful, head on home and don’t forget to put your ankle locator back on when you get there.

And remember, there’s no need to be honest or tell the truth. It’s not you and it’s not what got you where you are today.

The HA Guy