10 Ways To Get Laid Off

By HA_Guy

fired-employee
In these times of economic uncertainty, it’s incredibly important to do whatever it takes to maintain your job. So you show up on time, avoid surfing the Internet excessively, and keep your nose to the grind. But just as it’s extremely important to do the right things, it’s equally important to make sure you’re not doing the wrong things that can lead to losing your job. Unfortunately, there’s a lot of things people do every day that put them right at the top of their employer’s chopping list.

In order to help people stay on the island, I’ve developed a list of 10 things you might be doing that could lead you to an early trip to the unemployment line.

Avoid the following like hippies avoid soap.

10
Sending twitter messages during the work day. It might be alright for Shaq, but that’s only because he’s 12 feet tall and could eat his boss whole. (Plus he’s got his own martial arts video game. And once your name gets hyphenated with a “fu” and put on the cover of a video game, you can pretty much do whatever you want.)

9
Taking the newspaper from the front reception desk to the bathroom, staying on the can for the better part of an hour and then returning the paper back to the front desk. No one wants that paper back man, trust me.

8
Using the phone at work to handle very personal matters such as your recent diarrhea problems or your hemroid inflammations.

7
Showing up at 9:30, taking a 2 hour lunch and leaving by 5. Unless of course you’re Shaq, and have your own video game, in which case said behavior is completely acceptable.

6
Taking your shoes off at your desk when your feet smell like tuna salad.

5
Stealing from the office candy box. Theiving money from the company or customers (Comcast is currently robbing us blind) is generally considered fair game. But creeping the office supply of moon pies is completely unacceptable.

4
Displaying your lofty collection of Dilbert and Lord of the Rings figurines. Doesn’t speak well for your professionalism and if it comes down to you and someone with a grown up desk, you might as well start packing Frodo and the gang.

3
Making out with people in the office. While I think it’s cool, and am generally all for it, employers tend to frown upon said behavior. Probably best to save the lip tickling for after work or 2010, when the economy wakes up from it’s Wall Street hangover.

2
Eating tuna salad sandwiches. They smell like your feet.

1
Publicly admitting to listening and liking Michael Bolton music. Nothing will get you thrown out the door quicker.

The HA Guy