With President Obama recently re-opening the door for federally funded stem cell research, the debate regarding the ethics of this science has been reignited. Supporters of embryonic stem cell research argue mankind needs the work to help find cures for diseases such as Parkinson’s, as well as help people recover from spinal cord injurues. Opponents argue that the research will lead to unethical, immoral cloning practices and man playing God.
While this remains an extremely controversial and meaningful debate, I am not here to campaign on behalf of either side.
Instead, as a distributor of immensely helpful advice, and being the forward thinker I am, I’ve decided to draft a few guidelines for the average person in determining whether or not he/she should invest in cloning himself/herself.
If in fact disease rises and morality wavers to the extent that everyone jumps on the “Fuck it, let’s clone some shit and see what happens,” bandwagon, people will no doubt look for guidance on the issue of replicating themselves.
And as Wal-Mart starts selling personal cloning machines – which is inevitable as they obviously already own some sort of corporate, big-box cloning machine and it’s only matter of time before they start marketing a personal sized version – the commercial world will begin to saturate society with cloning propaganda.
When that time comes, refer to this article for guidance.
Ultimately, cloning should only be used for the good of humanity. As “the good of humanity” can be interpreted many ways, I’ve listed a few examples below that should make things a bit clearer. If you feel you have a unique situation not covered below, shoot me an email and I’ll post an appropriate response.
1. If your mother-in-law/wife/first born child is borderline the most annoying person in the world, and you want to clone yourself so only the other you has to deal with that person, thereby alleviating all of mankind from ever having to spend time with that person, cloning in this case is completely acceptable.
2. If you are an avid Michael Bolton fan (heaven forbid Michael Bolton himself) cloning yourself is not acceptable.
3. If you are Penelope Cruz, by all means clone away.
4. If you have ever sported a genuine mullet in your lifetime – by choice – cloning yourself is an absolute must. The world can never have enough Mississippi mudflaps.
5. If you currently use a segway to get around town, do not clone yourself, as the sheer absurdity and lazyness associated with using that contraption needs no replication.
6. If you’ve ever won the Tour de France with one testicle, there can never be enough of you. Clone until your heart’s content.
7. If you are in anyway associated with Comcast and the subsequent ass raping they hand out to all of their customers, please avoid copying yourself.
8. If you are in the habit of starring in, directing, producing or recommending movies with Lindsay Lohan, you’re already one of a kind. There’s no need to dilute the world’s intelligence by increasing the number of you.
9. If your first name is Michael, and your last name rhymes with molten, do not under any circumstances clone yourself. This point simply cannot be stressed enough.
10. If you are under the opinion that the majority of your life altering, moral decisions should be highly influenced by sarcastic, well written, humorous advice columns on the web, I humbly ask that you buy that portable home cloning machine from Wal-Mart and immediately start cloning the beJesus out of yourself.
The HA Guy
Not a Michael Bolton fan i take it?
Au contraire, I love Michael Bolton. He’s right up there on my awesome list just underneath North Korean labor camps and kidney stones.