At what age does one reach the level of maturity required to swallow pills like a normal person? As a child, taking pills was an absolute nightmare. Swallowing medicine, vitamins or anything that wasn’t chewable resulted in near death experiences and driving my mother deeper into the clutches of the devil’s applesauce.
At the time I wasn’t too concerned about the whole thing as A) I was a kid, so f that noise, and B) if G.I. Joe didn’t take pills, I sure as hell wasn’t going to once I was old enough to make my own decisions, so who cares if I gag every time. But now, at 25, I still have to roll an advil around in the back of my throat for several minutes before I can swallow it without gagging. Not a big deal at home, where I can clear my schedule, light a few candles and throw on some Kenny G. to relax (anyone picturing the masturbating scene from 40 Year Old Virgin? It’s just like that – except it doesn’t end happily with episodes of Everybody Loves Raymond). But if I ever come down with a headache at the office, I look ridiculous staring at the ceiling swishing water around in my mouth for half an hour. And they tell me the older I get, the more pills I’ll need to take. What the hell am I going to do when I’m 65?
The answer, my friends, is this: lobby for legislation forcing pharmaceutical companies to begin developing pills that taste like meat. Brilliant, I know.
Imagine a world where over the counter medicine as well as prescription drugs tasted like meat. It doesn’t matter what kind of meat; beef, chicken, pork whatever. I’d down those pills like it was my job. I would skip on down to the doctor’s office at the first sign of a cold and pick up a few pork flavored penicilin poppers. And I would never have a headache again considering the amount of steak flavored advil that would remain in my system on a regular basis. It’s so perfect I can’t believe it hasn’t become a reality.
So start looking for the Meat Flavored Pill Resolution on your local ballots, and by all means vote yes.
HA Guy
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