There is currently a great deal of speculation as to the best way to fix the healthcare system and its recently out of control rise in costs. Some favor more government intervention; some favor less. Some say mandatory healthcare plans for all; some say I’ll buy it only if I want to, leave me alone you socialist idiot. All fair ideas, but none are close to being the right answer for America. What is you ask?
The right answer for America is to pass legislation forcing the pharmaceutical companies to begin making meat flavored medication. It’s so simple it’s brilliant. With over the counter and prescription pills being flavored with your choice of meat, people would go to the doctor less, never skip a dose of their prescribed medication and live happier, healthier, lower stressed lives.
Not convinced? Let’s look at the facts*.
1. Analysts attribute a large portion of the increased costs of healthcare to the public’s overuse of the system – stemming from the perception that healthcare is “free” since their employer’s cover the majority of the costs – which they say places an unhealthy strain on the system. But in a world where Tylenol tastes like bacon, you’d better believe everyone will down bottles of the over the counter meds before heading to the doctor. Problem solved.
2. In a recent survey, 83% of doctors believe that healthcare costs would go down significantly if people were taught to develop healthy lifestyle habits as children. And since video games, TV and the internet have taken over the world, effectively eliminating society’s respect for diet and exercise, taking pills are how future children will stay healthy. But as it stands, children hate taking medicine. You have to force it down them or wrap it in bologna like you would with a dog.
Now we can eliminate the middle man as the pill itself will taste like bologna. Boom. Kids love medicine. Boom. Kids are healthy. Just pet them and send them on their way.
3. Another main cause of skyrocketing healthcare costs stems from the insurance companies charging ridiculous fees in order to counteract the numerous lawsuits filed by patients against their doctors for malpractice. Meat flavored pills will solve this problem faster than A-Rod can forget who he’s dating. No one will sue their doctor when he’s prescribing barbecue heart medication because barbecue heart medication is awesome – except maybe for vegetarians, they might be a bit upset. But they should have their own doctors anyway, kind of like cats do. Kidding.
(Sort of)
The evidence is alarmingly convincing. I hope to really get a strong backing from the population on this one, and if I do, you’d better believe it will be a hot topic issue come 2012 – as long as the world doesn’t end of course. Either way, look out for the t-shirts.
HA Guy
*For the purposes of this article, the term “facts” will be loosely defined as: extreme generalizations, hypotheses and blatant blind guesses that are probably true, though no credible source of evidence exists to corroborate them….sort of like the facts on Fox News, except for the probably true part.
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