Being me, I went with completely ridiculous.
In hopes of deterring you from taking my well traveled path, I’ve given you a rundown of my first date with easyB, el love of my life, so that you can see clearly what NOT to do on a first date.
You’re welcome in advance.
For the official first date with easyB I decided to go with dinner and a movie. Casual, classic, relatively cheap, plus the movie would force me to keep my mouth shut for 2 solid hours, thereby minimizing the time I’d have to make a fool of myself. Picking out the restaurant was easy. We were in a small college town, so it was either Hardee’s or the local steak place, and since Hardee’s ran out of chicken sandwiches, we went to the steak place.
Dinner went smoothly. It went so smoothly in fact that I almost went in for a kiss immediately afterward just in case I f-ed the date up later. But I held back not wanting to seem like the horny, immature college guy that I was.
Picking the movie was where it all went south. Instead of checking to see what was showing, I apparently decided I was too busy studying (a.k.a eating, sleeping, drinking beer or watching my friends challenge each other to drunken arm punching contests) to pick out a movie myself. So, as I walked out the door on my way to pick up easyB, I quickly asked my buddy, let’s call him Bill, to recommend a movie. He recommended Rules of Attraction. He described it as a “very cool college movie” and said it was awesome. At the time I knew Bill and my movie tastes weren’t perfectly aligned, but I figured they couldn’t be too far off.
Wrong. Very embarassingly wrong.
I don’t know if any of you have seen Rules of Attraction, but within 15 minutes, the lead female character goes to a party, gets drunk, gets roofied and loses her virginity to a fat guy who pukes on her during sex – all while someone else watches. And before you start thinking this was done in an artsy, black and white, sundance film festival kind of way, it wasn’t. James Van Der Beek had the lead male role, so that pretty much killed off all credibility from the start.
As I sat there with easyB, a girl I really liked, watching what epitomized a girl’s fears of date rape play out in glorious detail and surround sound, several thoughts were running through my head:
1. Bill will die tonight.
2. I’m such an idiot for listening to Bill. I mean he loved Battlefield Earth for shit’s sake.
3. EasyB thinks I picked this movie. She probably thinks I tried to slip her a roofy at dinner, which would explain why she keeps glancing at the exit.
4. This was probably not a good career choice for James Van Der Beek. I understand he’s trying to break out of that Dawson’s Creek sappy, lovesick puppy pigeon hole, but this clearly wasn’t the way to go.
5. I should have kissed her at dinner. That ship has probably sailed.
6. Dammit! The movie was suppose to STOP me from looking like an idiot!
Needless to say, the car ride home was a bit quiet. When I dropped her off, I tried to explain how we ended up seeing that particular cinematic gem. Of course it didn’t really matter what I said, since it was all drowned out by the horrible images I just took her to see.
Thankfully, by some strange miracle and lack of common sense on her part, she agreed to give me another chance and the second date went much better.
So as far as first dates go, pick the movie out yourself, don’t listen to Bill, and don’t wait until you find out Hardee’s ran out of chicken sandwiches to choose the steak place – always go with the steak place first.
HA Guy
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