Miltonization is the process in which an employee’s personal working environment is downgraded repeatedly until he/she ends up stripped of all benefits, compensation and staplers and working in a rat infested basement in the company’s storage facility. If you still don’t know what I’m talking about, watch the movie Office Space. (And until you do, consider yourself half the person you could be.)
Being the recently appointed Milton in my own office, I’ve decided to write a series of posts describing my experiences in an effort to help others recognize when they’re being Miltonized. After all, knowing is half the battle.
This kickoff post focuses on recognizing the first and most obvious sign of Miltonization: being relocated to a shitty desk.
Curtains are raised and lights are dimmed as my true story begins to unfold:
The new seating chart was revealed in our last office meeting showing off our future “recession savvy” office layout. (Translation: 65% of our employees have been laid off, so it’s time to divy up their crap like wild animals and move to a smaller space.) As I scanned the chart for the location of my future digs, it didn’t take long to realize I got the short end of the “Who can we fuck over with the shittiest desk in the office” stick.
My new desk will reside at the center most point in the office, as far from a window as possible, in a closed off room lit by flourescent lights borrowed from the dungeon in Saw. (Yes, I’m exaggerating….but barely.)
But in order for you to fully understand the crappiness of my new desk, I thought it necessary to list a few other ways to describe my future office home.
-If my office is a 1991 psychological thriller movie, I’m moving into a well in a crossdressing serial killer’s basement.
-If my office is a recording studio, I’m moving into the booth where Michael Bolton and Britney Spears are rehearsing duets for their new Sex Education Musical.
-If my office is the world, I’m moving to Canada.
That should describe the situation adequately. Obviously, my Miltonization process has begun, and it’s only a matter of time before they start piling boxes of TPS reports on my desk. If any of this sounds familiar to you, I would advise you to start assembling your resume.
And keep an eye on your stapler.
HA Guy
Dude, first off, I am fully looking forward to that new sex ed Musical. Their first collaboration for the “look both ways before you cross the street” album basically set the bar for all public service announcement musicals. second, do you know how hard it is to find red staplers these days? I was in a staples the other day and they didn’t have any. That’s how hard! And frankly I was upset at their lack of selection of staples. They only had silver and neon colors! The store is named staples. You’d think they would have more kinds of staples than baskin robbins has flavors. thirdly, although I might not exactly be employed right now, my desk has plenty of light and a glorious view.
While I generally don’t condone Britney Spears participating in any Public Service Announcement Musical – lest it be titled “What Not To Do When Living Life” – I certainly share your frustration with retail stores not living up to their names.
A store named Staples should blow your mind with their selection of staples. Not only should they provide standard staples, but they should offer staples of such beauty and magnificence that even the most cold hearted CEOs are brought to tears.
I mean think of a world with leopard print staples, chocolate covered staples or staples made from recycled Michael Bolton CDs. Sounds amazingly satisfying.
I personally think Canada is awesome…or so I have heard from Michael Moore’s docuemntaries. They are so responsible with guns! Regardless, the Canada analogy feel short of your desired intent. I suggest Guam as a better not so nice choice and you don’t even need a passport to go there.
excuse me. documentaries.
Michael Moore, Guam, being responsible with guns and passports are all overrated.
I prefer to live in a land that rejects Canadian documentaries, mocks countries that have the same number of vowels as consonants in their name, encourages the random, irresponsible shooting of guns and that doesn’t recognize the rest of the world and it’s affinity for international travel documentation.
That’s why I live in North Korea.