How To Know It's Time For Rehab

Some of you may have noticed that I’ve already authored a post detailing how to avoid developing an alcohol problem. But in the unlikely chance you missed it, and in the more likely chance you read it, thought it was brilliant, but simply didn’t heed my advice, I’ve decided to share some tips on when to know it’s time to visit the rehab center.

Over the years I’ve had the privilege to know and hang around a few alcoholics, so I feel somewhat experienced when it comes to noticing the signs of alcohol addiction.

Trouble is most people don’t.

So in order to correct this, I’ve created a simple 4 question multiple choice test to help people understand when they have a problem. Take it yourself if you think you may have a problem, or take it for a friend to find out if an intervention is necessary. In either case, if the final score is higher than 10, it’s time for summer camp with Robert Downey Jr.

Point scale:
A=1
B=2
C=3
D=4
E=20

Have you recently found yourself offering sexual favors in exchange for any of the following? (Check all that apply)
A. booze
B. booze money
C. items you could sell for booze money
D. autographed pictures of Michael Bolton
E. all of the above

(If none of these apply to you, be aware that you may not be living life to your fullest potential.)

When at the annual office party and holding one drink in your hand, do you:
A. Drink it slowly and mingle.
B. Chug it quickly, then grab another drink and mingle.
C. Find a drink for your other hand, just to balance things out. Mingling can wait.
D. C followed by B, and then repeated until Betty from accounting starts looking cute. Mission mingle accomplished.
E. Wave at your boss with your other hand while mumbling jibberish about never getting last year’s raise, asking a colleague to make out with you in the closet and/or urinating in a subway car on the way home.

When you go out for a drink with your buddies, how does the night usually end?
A. You and your buddies heading home at a reasonable hour and going to bed.
B. You and your buddies prank calling your ex girlfriends until one of you fucks up and calls his real girlfriend.
C. You and your buddies stumbling into a pasture 3 states away from the bar where you started and tackling any farm animal or fence post that gives you the evil eye.
D. You and your buddies getting arrested after doing lines of cocaine off your neighbor’s car.
E. This question doesn’t apply to you because even though you’ve done all of the above, you drink alone.

When you know you’ve reached your limit, and someone hands you another drink, do you:
A. Say no thanks, I’m good.
B. Take it, but just drink a little of it.
C. Take it and drink the whole thing. (Just because you’ve reached your limit doesn’t mean you should be rude.)
D. Take it, bet the other guy you can down it in 30 seconds or you’ll run around the house in your underwear – which you end up doing anyways.
E. You haven’t reached your limit since you were 7 and mistook your uncle’s bourbon for apple juice.

Once you’ve taken the test, count up your points and trust the results: this is a very accurate exam that was almost approved by several organizations related to alcohol addiction and fully approved by two that aren’t.

HA Guy

PS. For the benefit of everyone, please take the test and post your results in the comment section. It’s always good to see that people are worse off than yourself.