I’m not what you would call a morning person. I enjoy snoozing, sleeping late and not waking up early. When I am forced out of bed before 11am – either by work, social obligations or ninjas* – I don’t exactly wake up singing with a smile on my face.
But, I’m not a complete asshole either.
My girlfriend EasyB on the other hand, is a completely different story. She wakes up extremely grumpy (and frankly mean) almost every morning. And seeing as how we don’t live in a hippie commune any more, I’m the only one around for her to take out her morning frustrations on. For instance, we had this conversation a while back:
Laying in bed the night before.
Me: I wish we didn’t have class tomorrow morning.
EasyB: Uh. I know. What time is class?
Me: 9am
EasyB: That’s ridiculous.
Me: It’s actually a normal time as far as the rest of the world is concerned. Once we graduate we’ll have to get up that early all of the time.
EasyB: Nonsense. But please help me get up tomorrow morning.
Me: Sure.
Next morning. It’s 9:30 and I’m ready to go. EasyB is still in bed.
Me: Hey, it’s 9:30. Time to get up.
EasyB: (Rolls over, gives the evil eye, rolls back over. Apparently no verbal communication is necessary.)
Me: Hey. It’s 9:40. You probably need to get up.
EasyB: Uh. Mfrgbm. Asshole. Mmmfphb.
Me: EasyB. It’s 5 till 9. Get up, we’ve got to go.
EasyB: (Rolls over and unleashes the evil eye once more.) I….don’t….want you….(rolls back over)
Short silence.
Me: What? Was that the end of that sentence?
EasyB: I’m skipping class today. Mfrghb hmm hm. Asshole. Mmfrghmmmmm.
Me: Yeah I figured that but let’s back it up a second Dirty Harry. Did you just say you don’t want me?
EasyB: Uhhh. To wake me up. I don’t want you to wake me up.
Me: But you stopped after “you”! You can’t just stop after “you”! It means something completely different when you stop after “you”.
EasyB: (A bit more awake now, but still quite groggy – and pissed.) Well you were trying to wake me up and I didn’t want to wake up. I needed to sound serious.
Me: Well mission accomplished. See you after class.
EasyB: Maybe…….asshole.
So what do you do when you move in with the sweet, beautiful girl you fell in love with only to find out she resembles a cold hearted, pissed off drill sargeant when she wakes up every morning?
Here’s what I’ve learned.
Don’t take it seriously.
Consider everything she says during this time to be something she doesn’t mean. (Except for “Move, I have to pee.” She’s pretty damn serious about that.) After she’s been up for an hour or so, she should return to completing coherent, not so mean sentences.
Stay out of the line of fire.
When EasyB finally manages to get out of bed – emitting those deep, dinosaur like roars mixed with what sounds like a Chinese man speaking German – I make sure to keep clear. I keep one eye on her at all times, so as to stay one step ahead and maintain at least a 5 foot buffer zone between us. If she ever pulls a sneak attack and I find her heading straight for me, I bring back what I learned in elementary school fire safety class: duck, cover and roll. Meaning duck into a corner (preferably a dark one where she can’t see you), cover yourself with pots and pans, and roll yourself out of harm’s way.
Don’t tap the glass.
In these tense early morning situations, you want to follow the same rules you would when looking at caged animals in the zoo: Don’t tap the glass. It’s important not to provoke your loved one. Asking questions such as, “Did you sleep well?” and “Do you want some cereal?” will only anger her further. If you must make verbal contact, keep any questions or comments simple, so that short, raspy grunts will serve as adequate answers. Trying to hold a conversation will just result in her saying things like “I don’t want you.”
HA Guy
*I haven’t been woken up by ninjas yet, though if I ever am I’ll be super pumped about it. But I still wouldn’t wake up singing since more than likely they would be waking me up for a super secret ninja mission and we’d have to be very quiet.
Related Posts:
How To Handle Moving In Together – Part 1: The Great Purge
How To Handle Moving In Together – Part 2: The Bathroom
How To Handle Moving In Together – Part 3: Cooking Dinner
How To Handle Moving In Together – Part 5: I Can’t Fix That
Holy crap…that is so me and my man-candy. We drive to work together and I spent most of every morning’s drive yelling at him about…well, about everything. Once I fully wake up about a half hour into my shift, I start to feel REALLY bad. I’m of the firm opinion that the work day shouldn’t be allowed to start before 11am.
Dude, when the NINJAS come once you will will wish they were there every time so you can help out with the ninja missions they go on. IT IS AWESOME!!! But you are right, be quiet. You can do the singing in your head.
I think if you go to http://www.secretninja.org and sign up you will have a better chance of them coming.
I’m in total agreement Kate. Work should never begin before 11am so that everyone has a chance to come out of their morning Scrooge mode before interacting with other people. I’ve written several letters to Congress about this, but they keep blowing me off saying something about healthcare reform and the economic crisis being more important. I think they’re just being lazy.
1. I was the designated waker upper during the Boston weekend and I was sure NOT to get too close or yell too loud when waking her at 530 am. Don’t worry, she still cursed you though since YOU are the one that proposed – leading her to have to get up at the crack of dawn to find a dress for aforementioned wedding. AND she was not even the last one up. Yeah, you heard me right.
2. You spelled “cooking” wrong on the link below this article.
3. I’m sure you were never up and ready by 9:30 either mister!
1. So she cursed me despite the fact I was not there to hear it? Guess that disproves my theory regarding the hippie commune….
2. Thanks to the beauty of technology and the fact that I am the supreme ruler of this website, I just edited my post to reflect the correct spelling of “cooking”. So now you just look crazy to all of the future readers because they’ll think, “What the hell is Running With The Bride talking about? That’s EXACTLY how you spell cooking!” And it will be awesome.
3. Objection. Erroneous information.
And lo, I remember the ancient times of Freshman year, when I had morning classes with the grumpy one. Usually classic rock and the promise of food minimized the malcontent…