How To Handle Moving In Together - Part 5: I Can't Fix That

By HA_Guy

Living with someone means you learn everything about that person. You find out how clean (or dirty) they are, how well they cook (or that they can’t even boil pasta) and how pleasant (or grumpy, and frankly mean) they are in the morning.

But what happens when your significant other learns that you, despite your status as a man, aren’t exactly the “handy” type?

When you had separate places, it was fairly easy to conceal the fact that you weren’t the handiest of guys. Leave some wrenches, a disassembled machine part of some kind and a power drill lying around and boom, you’re a regular Bob Veila. Truth be told, the wrenches belong to your roomate, the machine part is just a blender you can’t put back together since your roomate threw his wrench at it, and the drilll hasn’t worked for years.

Most importantly, you were renting. So you never had to fix shit.

But once you take the moving in together plunge, your curtain of macho can be swiftly pulled away. Soon the faucet will leak, and your lady friend will look at you lovingly, eagerly awaiting your transformation into a burly, hammer toating logger man who can fix anything.

Trouble is, if you’re of the non-handy persuasion, she’ll just see you.

Most men panic at this point, pretend they know what they’re doing, and make both the faucet and the situation much worse. Wrong move. The key here is to manipulate the circumstances so that you still maintain your manly status despite not solving the problem.

Below are three ways to avoid losing your man card when you can’t fix the sink – or anything else that breaks.

1. Blame it on insufficient tools.
Take a few minutes to examine the problem. Poke stuff, twist knobs and bang walls. Be sure to squint and curse a lot during the process. This shows her you understand the problem and that you’re pissed about the lack of quality in household products / construction these days. Once you realize you have no idea what to do, mention something about needing a new, super special part that only a repair man would have. Sigh, curse again and mumble something about damn German engineering. If it wasn’t for that, you could fix this problem in no time.

Note: If she calls your bluff, stare blankly at her for a few moments, then shrug and walk away. You never lose man cards when you lie and pretend you know something when you don’t. In fact, I’m pretty sure Chuck Norris drops by to personally hand you a bonus man card. (And when I say Chuck Norris I mean Delta Force Chuck Norris. Not Top Dog Chuck Norris.)

2. Safety first.
Convince her it’s a dangerous problem that only a professional should handle. When she looks skeptical, turn on the acting skills and follow the conversation below.

You: I never thought I’d see this again.

Her: What?

You: This faucet problem. (pause, look away for a second, then stare down at the floor) We had this problem when I lived with Ted, Newman and Buddy a few years back.

Her: Who the hell are they? I’ve never heard you speak of them before.

You: That’s because it’s difficult to talk about. (pause) Buddy caused a problem just like this and Ted tried to fix it himself. (pause again) It didn’t go well.

Her: What happened?

You: The (throw in relevant part name) exploded. Ted was killed, Newman lost an eye, and Buddy…..(trail off, look upset)

Her: What? Buddy what?!

You: ….Buddy was so upset he went crazy and now lives in a mental institution in northern Wisconsin where he only eats cabbage and plays with his imaginary chicken farm. (start to choke up – if you can pull off a tear, even better)

Her: Seriously? I’ve never heard this before.

You: I tried to forget. I tried so hard. No one was ever the same. I don’t know why I was spared that day, but it’s a burden I’ll have to carry forever.

Her: Are you ok?

You: I will be….one day.

Her: Ok. I’ll call the repair guy.

3. Blatant honesty.
Tell her you can’t fix it and give her your man card. Then give her a slap on the ass and take it back.

HA Guy