Lessons In Over-age Drinking

There are hundreds of articles out there that discuss under-age drinking: Peer Pressure and Under-Age Drinking, How to Stop Your Child From Drinking, What Happens When You Hit the Bottle Too Hard as a Youngster, etc.

But very few articles delve into the ugly details of drinking in your late 20s. Apparently, once you’re over 25, no one gives a crap about how you handle your alcohol. All of the sudden, it’s all on you. You’re expected to “act like an adult” and practice “moderation”. Unfortunately, however, not everyone is ready to handle this immense responsibility.

(It should be noted that I’m not referring to myself here because A] I can stop any time I want, B] I don’t need anyone telling me what to do, and C] leave me alone.)

Luckily, I have a plethora of friends with potential alcohol problems, fully developed alcohol problems and Michael Bolton addictions to learn from. Like myself, they are all in their late 20s – except for one – and provide a fantastic group from which to study and glean life’s many lessons.

We spent this past New Years Eve together in NY and several bars, countless bottles of rum, 400 high fives offered to strangers, thousands of amazing dance moves and the worst hangover in the history of the universe later I learned a few new lessons.

So in order to benefit all of mankind, I’ve decided to share them here on HumorousAdvice.com. I’m not sure if they’ll actually help anyone, but since I have to write them down as a part of my AA classes anyways, here goes:

1] Over-age drinkers have no one to blame but themselves – and the government.
I am older. My hangovers are twice as bad and last twice as long. I have a college education plus 26 years of life experience and therefore have the ability to make reasonable decisions concerning my health and well-being.

I drink like none of the above is true.

So while my body is starting to acknowledge its age, my drinking habits (let’s call them Vladimir and Danny – personification is highly underrated) still think it’s sophmore year of college. I’d love to blame my job, or my friends or even hippies but I simply cannot. I’m 26 now and it’s all on me – and the government. (Remember people, you can always blame at least 32% of your problems on the government, no matter which party is in the White House.)

2] Apparently upchucking relentlessly for an entire day results in a fairly decent ab workout.
Around 9pm January 1st my mid section was quite sore – but also looking leaner than ever before. For a few hours I almost had a six pack. It’s possible this was due to extreme dehydration or the fact that three French fries were enough to rush me to the bathroom faster than a bulimic, overly weight conscience teenage girl – but I tend to see the glass as half full.

3] High fives save lives.
In what some would call a lapse of good judgment, others a downright stupid move, I walked into the middle of a racially charged altercation on the NYC subway. I then proceeded to offer several high fives – free of charge – to members of both sides while repeating, “Hey man, it’s 2010!” (Apparently I felt this fact had somehow eluded my new friends.)

Miraculously, I wasn’t stabbed. Instead, my actions (let’s call them Reginald and Buford) quelled the argument as everyone was eager to return my high fives – and to of course, laugh at the drunk white kid. I don’t want to play up the significance of my heroic display of courage and social hand gestures, but I like to think that, on top of improving US race relations, I saved a few lives that night.

Suck it Oprah.

4] Racial profiling is still prevalent – especially in exit rows of airplanes.
This had nothing to do with drinking, but it still needs saying. It may be a new year, and we may have an African American president, but some things certainly haven’t changed when it comes to prejudices. A good friend of mine – a tan complected American who’s heritage can be traced back to the Philippines, Mexico, Africa, Iraq, Argentina, Venezuela, Japan and Egypt – experienced this while on a flight to NY. After describing the responsibilities of a passenger seated in an exit row, the stewardess leaned over to my friend and said, “Sir. Excuse me sir. Do you speak English? Please nod so that I have some indication you comprehend what I’m saying?” Being American, my friend obviously speaks perfect English. In fact, it’s the only language he speaks – which just further proves he’s American. Yet his tan complexion was enough to convince this hostess of the sky that he couldn’t understand English. Ridiculous.

So in 2010 – better yet, starting today – let’s all do a better job of not prejudging people based on their looks. And to the stewardesses of the world, let me say that just because a man is not white does not mean he can’t speak English – it just means he can dance better than you.

Shit. I guess I’ll start tomorrow.

5] Free food comes at a price.
After the bar, my friends and I did what all really drunk people do at 3am: hit up the local diner and eat exorbitant amounts of greasy food. In a brilliant move that some would call the greatest thing since sliced bread, I nabbed some cheese fries and pickle spears from the empty table next to us (don’t worry, they hadn’t been touched….I’m 86% sure of that).

Side note: if no one ever thought to slice bread, what would the world compare it’s greatest things to? boiled peanuts? pickled eggs? Chuck Norris? Kind of blows your mind doesn’t it.

The group before us had obviously ordered too much food and then left without finishing everything. So, being the smart, sophisticated, incredibly intoxicated people we were, my friends and I finished what they irresponsibly began. I don’t care what you say, I’m not ashamed.

However, I have realized that there are certain pros and cons that go along with eating food from other tables:

Pros
a. You get a preview of what to order.
b. If you get sick the next day, you can blame it on the food, your impaired judgment and the fact that the people who ordered it were probably really dirty – instead of not being able to hold your liquor anymore.
c. Those pickles were amazing.
d. If you’re crazy enough to eat a plate of pickles from another table, the wait staff might take pity on you and give you a free plate of pickles.
e. It was free food.

Cons
a. You really have no idea what the people who left the food were like – especially in NY. They could have been circus clowns, crack addicts or one-eyed prostitutes. Or even worse: vegetarians.   (shiver)
b. It’s possible the food was tainted and had been sitting out for weeks as a trap set by an evil wait staff for unsuspecting, really drunk and really good looking new year’s eve partygoers.
c. It doesn’t really matter, because even if a and b were both true, the pickles were worth it.

6] Burlesque shows are awesome – until the skinny white guy comes out and starts playing helicopter.
As an over-age drinker, you’ll find yourself attending more and more “out of the ordinary” events in an effort to mix things up from the normal bar routine. On New Year’s Eve my friends and I went to a bar that was hosting a burlesque show. Now when I think burlesque I think boobie tassles, hoola hoops and maybe a lion or two, so needless to say I was pretty pumped. But by the end of Act 1, I was just scared.

Our show started out as I had envisioned, complete with boobie tassles and circus props. But it quickly took an ugly turn. Several performances into the show, a super thin, super naked John Lennon look-a-like (and not young, Beatles Lennon mind you, but older, after-Yoko-broke-up-the-band, uber hippie John Lennon) started tripping on acid and dancing all over the stage. And believe you me stuff was-a-swinging. It was an amazingly frightening and unsettling experience – for both men and women I suspect.

So to the over-age drinkers of the world I give you this: do your homework when it comes to choosing your next unique experience. It’s always fun to mix things up, but no one recovers from watching a cracked out hippie sling his willy around….no one.

And now, for the short list:

7] Know love when you see it.
If your significant other hurls herself in front you proclaiming, “Don’t throw up there! Throw up on me!” in order to save the NY city subway car – which God knows has seen much worse forms of debauchery – you’ve found a keeper.

8] Times change, friends don’t.
If a friend punches you in the balls in 2008, rest assured she’ll do it again in 2009.

9] Personification is cool.
Just wanted to reiterate that.

10] And finally…
I learned that if you’re going to continue drinking irresponsibly, there’s nothing better than doing it with close, long time friends. (They can always tell when you’re about to puke, which can really come in handy.)

HA_Guy