It starts with first dates and fifth dates and saying, “I’ll get the jujubees sweetheart. And I’ll pay for the ridiculously over priced 32 oz. fountain drink. I want you to have the best time [...]]]> When it comes to relationships, the subject of money can sometimes prove to be problematic.

It starts with first dates and fifth dates and saying, “I’ll get the jujubees sweetheart. And I’ll pay for the ridiculously over priced 32 oz. fountain drink. I want you to have the best time ever at our third viewing of Pride and Prejudice!”

It ends with moving in together and saying, “I swear to God it’s your turn to buy the groceries. I paid for them last week. And I’ll be damned if I’m not buying all the 2% milk I want this time!”

As the relationship grows and the inevitable “money” discussions arise, it can sometimes put a strain on the relationship. Below are some tips on minimizing potential problems.

1] Set up a system.
Once you move in together, develop a strategy for splitting up your expenses. Currently, easyB and I have a pretty good system going. She’s always been the type to split everything down the middle (God bless the feminist movement – well, that small part of it anyway) in an effort to keep everything equal. We keep a list of expenses that should be split between us and “settle up” once a month or so.

Enter the Money Nazi, easyB’s alter ego. If this were a movie, it would best compare with Star Wars when Darth Vader enters the room. (And I don’t mean Return of the Jedi Darth Vader when he’s getting old and soft and is all, “Maybe I’ll give this whole good guy thing a shot.” I mean original Star Wars Darth Vader where he walks around choking people and f-ing up planets just because it’s a Monday.) After a few years of living together, I’ve learned that when it’s time to talk finance or settle up, the sweet and beautiful easyB morphs into a stern, “pay up or die” Money Nazi.*

2] Pay up when you can, but do it now.
Typically, I end up owing the Money Nazi every time. (I’m still trying to figure out how, but asking questions feels more dangerous than just handing over the cash.) We settle up, realize I owe her money, and she expects payment immediately. But instead of threatening me with Jedi strangle holds or the silent treatment, she simply lets me know that if I don’t pay up she’ll bust in my kneecaps.

I don’t know about you, but I love my kneecaps. A lot. So I pay up.

All threats of de-kneecapitation aside, it’s important to not take advantage of your loved one by procrastinating when paying them back. It keeps everything fair and the relationship benefits greatly.

3] When in doubt, PRS (paper/rock/scissors) the situation.
The difficult part of the system can be deciding what expenses should be split. For the most part, the Money Nazi and I agree on what to add to the list. But if ever a disagreement should arise, we go with the paper/rock/scissors method.

It’s simultaneously wierd and utterly fantastic that decisions regarding topics of great importance such as money and politics can be made – and are regarded as definite and final by all parties – with a simple game of paper/rock/scissors. In our society, rock slamming down on scissors holds the same weight as a judge or jury. It’s why America is awesome. That and Chuck Norris.

So if you and your significant other find yourselves having a “disagreement” regarding a financial issue, agree to settle it over a game of freedom-loving, terrorism-hating, roundhouse-ass kicking paper/rock/scissors.

HA Guy

*By Money Nazi I mean an intelligent, beautiful, wonderful, loving, beautiful, awesome girl who is simply being responsible with her money and who would expect certain humor writers to do the same and pay people back in a timely fashion. (But who also has no problem busting up some kneecaps.)

Related Posts:
How To Handle Moving In Together – Part 1: The Great Purge
How To Handle Moving In Together – Part 2: The Bathroom
How To Handle Moving In Together – Part 3: Cooking Dinner
How To Handle Moving In Together – Part 4: You’re Kind Of Mean In The Morning
How To Handle Moving In Together – Part 5: I Can’t Fix That

While I’m not a credible source for how to get rich, I feel pretty confident teaching people how to [...]]]> As it’s been a while since I’ve touched on the topic of finance, I thought it best that today’s post focus on teaching people how to earn a little extra money on the side.

While I’m not a credible source for how to get rich, I feel pretty confident teaching people how to pour loads of time and effort into ideas that reap miniscule monetary returns. (Take that sentence as a perfect example. Lots of great financial lingo, very little benefit to the reader.) So if you’re looking for a little extra income, with an emphasis on little, the following should serve you well.

1. Start a blog. By May 2043 I should have racked up a cool 4 dollars.

2. Ask your Dad for $50, then become an architect.

3. Unplug/break your office soda machine. Buy 50 cokes at $1 a piece and sell them to your coworkers for $1.01. (Insist on the penny and remind them America wasn’t built by slackass moochers when they act like they don’t have it.) You won’t be the most popular guy in the break room, but you’ll be halfway to a free snickers bar – and a probable ass shalacking.

4. Invest in Assbrellas. (Don’t worry, this link is safe for work. Especially if your boss loves large digital representations of asses on common household items.)

5. Make 5 Michael Bolton t-shirts and sell one to each of his fans for $10.10. (But be warned, this is the most risky option. It’s highly possible you might end up with a few shirts left over.)

Let me know how it goes.

HA Guy