Places NOT to loudly discuss infidelity, commitment, or sexual frustration issues:

The reasons are numerous, but mainly hearing about Tina, the office slut is a bit distracting when reading Tolstoy – or Men’s Health magazine.  Plus I bet the other patrons could [...]]]>
To the couple currently having issues,

Places NOT to loudly discuss infidelity, commitment, or sexual frustration issues:

• local coffee house and other quiet places where people go to read

The reasons are numerous, but mainly hearing about Tina, the office slut is a bit distracting when reading Tolstoy – or Men’s Health magazine.  Plus I bet the other patrons could easily burn their mouths laughing at you while drinking their vanilla latte.  I don’t know for sure……but I would bet it’s a possibility.

The recently lip scorched HA Guy

Hollywood,

Be on the lookout.  Earlier this year a fat man dressed in a Russell Crowe costume ate Rusell Crowe, taking over his role in the recent box office hit State of Play.  No one is sure who his next target is, but it could be anyone.  Consider yourself warned.

The HA_Guy

John Madden,

Retired?!! Who the hell is going to explain the intricacies of NFL football during the games? Thanks to you, we never forget that a touchdown equals 6 points, or that the defense’s main objective is to tackle the guy with the ball.

Without you, they might as well broadcast the games in Mandarin [...]]]>
 

John Madden,

Retired?!! Who the hell is going to explain the intricacies of NFL football during the games? Thanks to you, we never forget that a touchdown equals 6 points, or that the defense’s main objective is to tackle the guy with the ball.

Without you, they might as well broadcast the games in Mandarin Chinese. No one will understand a thing.

Come back to us John, that’s our advice for you. In the name of all things Turducken and Boom, come back to us.

The HA Guy

Struggling Fashion Designers,

Skip all the hard work that comes with fashion school and trying to make a name for yourself. All you need to do in order to become a famous designer is to irresponsibly use in vitro fertilization and give birth to a hundred babies.  Then you can trademark your name like OctoMom and [...]]]>

Struggling Fashion Designers,

Skip all the hard work that comes with fashion school and trying to make a name for yourself. All you need to do in order to become a famous designer is to irresponsibly use in vitro fertilization and give birth to a hundred babies.  Then you can trademark your name like OctoMom and have your name plastered everywhere.

Having your name on a toddler’s diaper may not be the same as Calvin Klein on the back of a pair of designer jeans, but hey, your name will be on someone’s ass, and that’s all that really matters.

The HA Guy

Flordia International University,

You hired Isaiah Thomas as your new basketball coach?  Have you not read a newspaper or watched a Knicks game sometime in the last few years?

I mean WTF? Even he can’t believe it.

Our only advice is to watch out for your secretaries and ball girls, and we pray that your attendance numbers are not [...]]]>

Flordia International University,

You hired Isaiah Thomas as your new basketball coach?  Have you not read a newspaper or watched a Knicks game sometime in the last few years?

I mean WTF? Even he can’t believe it.

Our only advice is to watch out for your secretaries and ball girls, and we pray that your attendance numbers are not diretly tied to sporting a winning record.

The HA Guy

We know life can get pretty monotonous when your only job requires you to repeat the same task over and over again every year.  So here’s a few things you can do to spice up Easter 2010.

Give Britney Spears a break on this whole walking off the stage at a Vancouver concert deal. The fact that she stopped performing because the arena was too smoky obviously means she’s trying to turn her life around and live a healthier lifestyle. Now all she has to do is tackle those pesky [...]]]>
America,

Give Britney Spears a break on this whole walking off the stage at a Vancouver concert deal. The fact that she stopped performing because the arena was too smoky obviously means she’s trying to turn her life around and live a healthier lifestyle. Now all she has to do is tackle those pesky family management problems and the fact she sports a state of mental health bordering on insanity. One step at a time Brit, one step at a time.

The HA Guy

Don’t cry big guy.  Even though your movie got leaked on the internet, it will still be seen by millions of people – of course, they’ll see it for free, but that’s better than not at all right?

This time use that amazing healing power of yours to fix what’s hurting on the inside – that [...]]]>
Wolverine,

Don’t cry big guy.  Even though your movie got leaked on the internet, it will still be seen by millions of people – of course, they’ll see it for free, but that’s better than not at all right?

This time use that amazing healing power of yours to fix what’s hurting on the inside – that big heart.

And remember, keep your head up and your mutton chops finely groomed, your day will come.

The HA Guy

The Obama administration is now using its young celebrity supporters like Kal Penn to head public liaison operations in order to better relate to culturally diverse American groups.  Perhaps you should follow suit to create a broader support base.  Locating the groups where the ole’ GOP name could use some shining up should [...]]]>
GOP,

The Obama administration is now using its young celebrity supporters like Kal Penn to head public liaison operations in order to better relate to culturally diverse American groups.  Perhaps you should follow suit to create a broader support base.  Locating the groups where the ole’ GOP name could use some shining up should be easy.  The hard part will be trying to choose the right symbol of diversity from your immense collection of old white guys.  Good luck with that.

The HA Guy

Forget the restraining order.  It won’t work.  If you really want loco Lohan to stay away from you, set up residence in a rehab facility or any place that serves food.  You’ll be home free.

The HA Guy