But very few articles delve into the ugly details of drinking in your late 20s. Apparently, [...]]]>
But very few articles delve into the ugly details of drinking in your late 20s. Apparently, once you’re over 25, no one gives a crap about how you handle your alcohol. All of the sudden, it’s all on you. You’re expected to “act like an adult” and practice “moderation”. Unfortunately, however, not everyone is ready to handle this immense responsibility.
(It should be noted that I’m not referring to myself here because A] I can stop any time I want, B] I don’t need anyone telling me what to do, and C] leave me alone.)
Luckily, I have a plethora of friends with potential alcohol problems, fully developed alcohol problems and Michael Bolton addictions to learn from. Like myself, they are all in their late 20s – except for one – and provide a fantastic group from which to study and glean life’s many lessons.
We spent this past New Years Eve together in NY and several bars, countless bottles of rum, 400 high fives offered to strangers, thousands of amazing dance moves and the worst hangover in the history of the universe later I learned a few new lessons.
So in order to benefit all of mankind, I’ve decided to share them here on HumorousAdvice.com. I’m not sure if they’ll actually help anyone, but since I have to write them down as a part of my AA classes anyways, here goes:
1] Over-age drinkers have no one to blame but themselves – and the government.
I am older. My hangovers are twice as bad and last twice as long. I have a college education plus 26 years of life experience and therefore have the ability to make reasonable decisions concerning my health and well-being.
I drink like none of the above is true.
So while my body is starting to acknowledge its age, my drinking habits (let’s call them Vladimir and Danny – personification is highly underrated) still think it’s sophmore year of college. I’d love to blame my job, or my friends or even hippies but I simply cannot. I’m 26 now and it’s all on me – and the government. (Remember people, you can always blame at least 32% of your problems on the government, no matter which party is in the White House.)
2] Apparently upchucking relentlessly for an entire day results in a fairly decent ab workout.
Around 9pm January 1st my mid section was quite sore – but also looking leaner than ever before. For a few hours I almost had a six pack. It’s possible this was due to extreme dehydration or the fact that three French fries were enough to rush me to the bathroom faster than a bulimic, overly weight conscience teenage girl – but I tend to see the glass as half full.
3] High fives save lives.
In what some would call a lapse of good judgment, others a downright stupid move, I walked into the middle of a racially charged altercation on the NYC subway. I then proceeded to offer several high fives – free of charge – to members of both sides while repeating, “Hey man, it’s 2010!” (Apparently I felt this fact had somehow eluded my new friends.)
Miraculously, I wasn’t stabbed. Instead, my actions (let’s call them Reginald and Buford) quelled the argument as everyone was eager to return my high fives – and to of course, laugh at the drunk white kid. I don’t want to play up the significance of my heroic display of courage and social hand gestures, but I like to think that, on top of improving US race relations, I saved a few lives that night.
Suck it Oprah.
4] Racial profiling is still prevalent – especially in exit rows of airplanes.
This had nothing to do with drinking, but it still needs saying. It may be a new year, and we may have an African American president, but some things certainly haven’t changed when it comes to prejudices. A good friend of mine – a tan complected American who’s heritage can be traced back to the Philippines, Mexico, Africa, Iraq, Argentina, Venezuela, Japan and Egypt – experienced this while on a flight to NY. After describing the responsibilities of a passenger seated in an exit row, the stewardess leaned over to my friend and said, “Sir. Excuse me sir. Do you speak English? Please nod so that I have some indication you comprehend what I’m saying?” Being American, my friend obviously speaks perfect English. In fact, it’s the only language he speaks – which just further proves he’s American. Yet his tan complexion was enough to convince this hostess of the sky that he couldn’t understand English. Ridiculous.
So in 2010 – better yet, starting today – let’s all do a better job of not prejudging people based on their looks. And to the stewardesses of the world, let me say that just because a man is not white does not mean he can’t speak English – it just means he can dance better than you.
Shit. I guess I’ll start tomorrow.
5] Free food comes at a price.
After the bar, my friends and I did what all really drunk people do at 3am: hit up the local diner and eat exorbitant amounts of greasy food. In a brilliant move that some would call the greatest thing since sliced bread, I nabbed some cheese fries and pickle spears from the empty table next to us (don’t worry, they hadn’t been touched….I’m 86% sure of that).
Side note: if no one ever thought to slice bread, what would the world compare it’s greatest things to? boiled peanuts? pickled eggs? Chuck Norris? Kind of blows your mind doesn’t it.
The group before us had obviously ordered too much food and then left without finishing everything. So, being the smart, sophisticated, incredibly intoxicated people we were, my friends and I finished what they irresponsibly began. I don’t care what you say, I’m not ashamed.
However, I have realized that there are certain pros and cons that go along with eating food from other tables:
Pros
a. You get a preview of what to order.
b. If you get sick the next day, you can blame it on the food, your impaired judgment and the fact that the people who ordered it were probably really dirty – instead of not being able to hold your liquor anymore.
c. Those pickles were amazing.
d. If you’re crazy enough to eat a plate of pickles from another table, the wait staff might take pity on you and give you a free plate of pickles.
e. It was free food.
Cons
a. You really have no idea what the people who left the food were like – especially in NY. They could have been circus clowns, crack addicts or one-eyed prostitutes. Or even worse: vegetarians. (shiver)
b. It’s possible the food was tainted and had been sitting out for weeks as a trap set by an evil wait staff for unsuspecting, really drunk and really good looking new year’s eve partygoers.
c. It doesn’t really matter, because even if a and b were both true, the pickles were worth it.
6] Burlesque shows are awesome – until the skinny white guy comes out and starts playing helicopter.
As an over-age drinker, you’ll find yourself attending more and more “out of the ordinary” events in an effort to mix things up from the normal bar routine. On New Year’s Eve my friends and I went to a bar that was hosting a burlesque show. Now when I think burlesque I think boobie tassles, hoola hoops and maybe a lion or two, so needless to say I was pretty pumped. But by the end of Act 1, I was just scared.
Our show started out as I had envisioned, complete with boobie tassles and circus props. But it quickly took an ugly turn. Several performances into the show, a super thin, super naked John Lennon look-a-like (and not young, Beatles Lennon mind you, but older, after-Yoko-broke-up-the-band, uber hippie John Lennon) started tripping on acid and dancing all over the stage. And believe you me stuff was-a-swinging. It was an amazingly frightening and unsettling experience – for both men and women I suspect.
So to the over-age drinkers of the world I give you this: do your homework when it comes to choosing your next unique experience. It’s always fun to mix things up, but no one recovers from watching a cracked out hippie sling his willy around….no one.
And now, for the short list:
7] Know love when you see it.
If your significant other hurls herself in front you proclaiming, “Don’t throw up there! Throw up on me!” in order to save the NY city subway car – which God knows has seen much worse forms of debauchery – you’ve found a keeper.
8] Times change, friends don’t.
If a friend punches you in the balls in 2008, rest assured she’ll do it again in 2009.
9] Personification is cool.
Just wanted to reiterate that.
10] And finally…
I learned that if you’re going to continue drinking irresponsibly, there’s nothing better than doing it with close, long time friends. (They can always tell when you’re about to puke, which can really come in handy.)
HA_Guy
]]>He knows you want him.
Step one, as always, is finding the right girl. And knowing where to look depends greatly on knowing what you’re looking for. Typically you’ve always been attracted to northern Wisconsin girls who live near bays: blond beauties who aren’t afraid of cows, the cold or wearing huge cheese [...]]]>
He knows you want him.
(Of course, a Jersey girl might be fun. Maybe one with a thick northestern accent and a ridiculous amount of attitude. Or maybe a Minnesota girl. The kind who sounds wierd when she says “soda” and looks good in purple. That could work too.)
Sometimes it can be difficult to decide. But the good news about not knowing what you want is that you can find it almost anywhere.
Step two, is saying the right thing to your Wisconsin beauty (or maybe the Jersey girl – no, Minnesota – no, wait, Wisconsin – no, definitely Minnesota). Introduce yourself, then give her a compliment. If you’re having trouble thinking of a compliment, you’re either nervous or you picked the wrong girl. Hopefully it’s the former, and if so, just relax and compare her to something you love, like your Wrangler jeans. Tell her you think she’s real, classic, comfortable, and that she’s the kind of thing you can see yourself running around in for years to come.
If it’s the latter, well, maybe you should have gone with the Jersey girl – or maybe Minnesota.
No, the Jersey girl.
Step three, is buying her a drink. After your compliment has won her over, offer to buy her a beverage so you can continue the conversation. Stick with topics you know – such as football, Farrelly Brothers movies (emphasizing the fact that Ben Stiller is a douche and you would never lose a chick to him) and of course, Wrangler jeans – so as to sound intelligent and make a good first impression. Feeling comfortable with the topic of conversation will help you to relax and exude confidence as well as mask your dark, underlying fear that maybe you should have stayed with the Wisconsin beauty.
Or gone with the Jersey girl.
Or maybe Minnesota. Shit.
Step 4 is setting up the next date and knowing when to leave the bar. It’s important to understand when it’s time to make your exit. After a few minutes of good conversation, her interest will peak and she’ll be more inclined to go out with you. That’s when you should leave. Tell her it was great meeting her, ask for her number and casually walk out. Don’t linger. Don’t waffle.
Don’t take two steps towards the door, then come back and say you left your keys, then walk back towards the door, then walk back to her and make sure you wrote her number down correctly, then say goodbye again and start to leave, then come back and have one more drink, then finally say goodbye for real and walk out of the bar, then turn around four blocks later, walk back into the bar and ask out another girl who the first girl hates with every fiber of her being.
Or do.
What do I know. You’re probably the only guy who can get away with it.
HA Guy
Related Posts:
How To Pick Up Women – Rod Blagojevich Style
How To Pick Up Women – Barack Obama Style
How To Pick Up Women – Quentin Tarantino Style
Over the years I’ve had the privilege to know and hang around a few alcoholics, so I feel somewhat experienced when it comes to noticing the signs of alcohol addiction.
Trouble is most people don’t.
So in order to correct this, I’ve created a simple 4 question multiple choice test to help people understand when they have a problem. Take it yourself if you think you may have a problem, or take it for a friend to find out if an intervention is necessary. In either case, if the final score is higher than 10, it’s time for summer camp with Robert Downey Jr.
Point scale:
A=1
B=2
C=3
D=4
E=20
Have you recently found yourself offering sexual favors in exchange for any of the following? (Check all that apply)
A. booze
B. booze money
C. items you could sell for booze money
D. autographed pictures of Michael Bolton
E. all of the above
(If none of these apply to you, be aware that you may not be living life to your fullest potential.)
When at the annual office party and holding one drink in your hand, do you:
A. Drink it slowly and mingle.
B. Chug it quickly, then grab another drink and mingle.
C. Find a drink for your other hand, just to balance things out. Mingling can wait.
D. C followed by B, and then repeated until Betty from accounting starts looking cute. Mission mingle accomplished.
E. Wave at your boss with your other hand while mumbling jibberish about never getting last year’s raise, asking a colleague to make out with you in the closet and/or urinating in a subway car on the way home.
When you go out for a drink with your buddies, how does the night usually end?
A. You and your buddies heading home at a reasonable hour and going to bed.
B. You and your buddies prank calling your ex girlfriends until one of you fucks up and calls his real girlfriend.
C. You and your buddies stumbling into a pasture 3 states away from the bar where you started and tackling any farm animal or fence post that gives you the evil eye.
D. You and your buddies getting arrested after doing lines of cocaine off your neighbor’s car.
E. This question doesn’t apply to you because even though you’ve done all of the above, you drink alone.
When you know you’ve reached your limit, and someone hands you another drink, do you:
A. Say no thanks, I’m good.
B. Take it, but just drink a little of it.
C. Take it and drink the whole thing. (Just because you’ve reached your limit doesn’t mean you should be rude.)
D. Take it, bet the other guy you can down it in 30 seconds or you’ll run around the house in your underwear – which you end up doing anyways.
E. You haven’t reached your limit since you were 7 and mistook your uncle’s bourbon for apple juice.
Once you’ve taken the test, count up your points and trust the results: this is a very accurate exam that was almost approved by several organizations related to alcohol addiction and fully approved by two that aren’t.
HA Guy
PS. For the benefit of everyone, please take the test and post your results in the comment section. It’s always good to see that people are worse off than yourself.
]]>Inconsiderate-[in-kuhn-sid-er-it]; adj.:
careless of the rights or feelings of others
Stretching-[stre-tch-ing];verb:
to draw out or extend (oneself, a body, limbs, wings, etc.) to the full length or extent
Together these two words make up some of the worst gym behavior known to man save pushing people off treadmills and dressing like Richard Simmons.
Below I’ve created a list of the most common examples of inconsiderate stretching. Read it. Memorize it. Yell at others who disregard it.
1] Blocking equipment.
It is completely unnecessary to stretch in front of equipment you are not using. It’s a real asshole move. Not only are you keeping others from being able to excercise, but you force people to watch you stretch as they wait to see when the equipment will open up. For everyone else it’s like wanting to eat ice cream but not being able to because a fat guy is stretching his hammies in front of the refrigerator.
2] Facing away from the crowd.
There’s nothing worse than being subjected to views of a 52 year old man’s backside in short shorts doing toe touches. (Except for maybe kidney stones, those things sound terrible.)
It can really throw off one’s concentration which is a very dangerous thing in a gym setting. For instance, in my gym, there’s barely enough concentration and mental fortitude as it is. Causing distractions just leads to dropped dumbells and protein shake spillage.
So when stretching, always keep your back to the wall and face the crowd. This keeps your ass from becoming a danger to society while you’re attempting to touch your toes.
3] SWU – Stretching while underclothed.
Refer back to the definition of stretching:
“to draw out or extend (oneself, a body, limbs, wings, etc.) to the full length or extent”
If you plan to extend your body and limbs to their fullest extent, please make sure your clothes are up to the challenge. I don’t think further explanation is necessary.
HA Guy
*For women between the ages of 18 and still really hot, there does not exist such a thing as inconsiderate stretching. Please disregard this post.
Related Posts:
Proper Gym Etiquette – Part 1: Old Guys and Their Affinity For Nakedness
As [...]]]>
As a man, sharing an apartment or house with your girlfriend provides many new challenges and wonderful experiences. Sharing a bathroom with her just provides many challenges.
Unfortunately, a large percentage of men enter into this situation completely unaware of what they’re getting themselves into. So in order to provide them with ample warning of the shit storm they’re about to enter, I’ve laid out trois (French for “three” – who ever said Humorous Advice couldn’t teach you anything was a moron) important things to remember when contemplating sharing a bathroom with your woman friend.
1] 6 of one, half dozen of another.
When looking at the bathroom, she’ll see one thing, you’ll see something completely different. I’ll use myself and easyB (el love of my life) as an example. Where she sees disgusting, I see pretty clean. Where she sees gross face stubble dotting our white sink, I see knots of long brown hair thick enough to hide small animals clogging the drain. Where she smells dirty towels, I smell the money I’m saving by avoiding the laundromat one more week.
It’s important to try and compromise as much as possible in these situations. Try to see it through the other person’s eyes. If all else fails, I recommend adopting the “agree to disagree” policy, though that is much easier said than done. (I’ve been trying it for years but somehow I get the feeling I’m the only one who’s actually living up to my end of the deal.)
2] But we just cleaned it last week!!
When I lived by myself, I would clean my bathroom once every 3-8 months. Now, it seems there is an endless supply of reasons to clean the bathroom: people coming to stay with us, it smells bad, I stepped on your toe nail clippings, I enjoy cleaning it because you never do and I can hold it over your head forever muah ha ha ha etc., etc.
The truth is there’s no way out of this one. Women need immaculately clean bathrooms to survive. The trick is to quickly volunteer to clean the easiest parts of the bathroom: the sink, the medicine cabinet and the mirror. Leave the toilet, floor, shower and shower curtain to her. Chances are you won’t clean them to her laboratory standards anyway and she’ll end up cleaning them herself a second time. But by volunteering (happily, if possible) to clean at least some portions of the bathroom, you’ll look like you care – and usually that’s more important than actually caring.
It’s also best to note that she’ll know exactly what you’re doing the second time you offer to start wiping down the sink, so don’t freak out and start volunteering to scrub behind the toilet. Stick to your guns. She’ll resign herself to taking what she can get.
3] Bodywash overload.
My typical shower routine consists of jumping into the tub (not literally though, that’s quite dangerous) staring blankly at the wall for several minutes, blowing my nose, and then using my 1 bar of soap and my 1 bottle of shampoo to clean myself. (Unless of course I’ve run out of bar soap, in which case the shampoo works overtime.) Her daily routine is exactly the same, except for everything after jumping into the tub. First, she looks down on blowing one’s nose in the shower. (Apparently they make kleenex for that. Who knew?) Second, she must choose between the 72 different kinds of bodywash and shampoo she currently owns.
Unfortunately this overload of body cleansers is not completely her fault.
You’ll give her some for her birthday/anniversary (you’ll expect to do something sexy with it, she’ll just be pumped about the nerve activating scrubbing beads), her mom will give her some for Christmas, she’ll buy some for herself when the bottle she already owns is half full and all of the sudden you’ve got enough bodywash to invade North Korea.
There’s no way around this one either. You’ll just have to deal and be content with the fact that maybe one day you’ll get to use the bodywash you gave her in the manner you originally intended.
Good luck my friends.
HA Guy
Related Posts:
How To Handle Moving In Together – Part 1: The Great Purge
How To Handle Moving In Together – Part 3: Cooking Dinner
How To Handle Moving In Together – Part 4: You’re Kind Of Mean In The Morning
How To Handle Moving In Together – Part 5: I Can’t Fix That
Miltonization is the process in which an employee’s personal working environment is downgraded repeatedly until he/she ends up stripped of all benefits, compensation and staplers and working in a rat infested basement in the company’s storage facility. If you still don’t know what I’m talking about, watch the movie Office Space. (And until you do, consider yourself half the person you could be.)
Being the recently appointed Milton in my own office, I’ve decided to write a series of posts describing my experiences in an effort to help others recognize when they’re being Miltonized. After all, knowing is half the battle.
This kickoff post focuses on recognizing the first and most obvious sign of Miltonization: being relocated to a shitty desk.
Curtains are raised and lights are dimmed as my true story begins to unfold:
The new seating chart was revealed in our last office meeting showing off our future “recession savvy” office layout. (Translation: 65% of our employees have been laid off, so it’s time to divy up their crap like wild animals and move to a smaller space.) As I scanned the chart for the location of my future digs, it didn’t take long to realize I got the short end of the “Who can we fuck over with the shittiest desk in the office” stick.
My new desk will reside at the center most point in the office, as far from a window as possible, in a closed off room lit by flourescent lights borrowed from the dungeon in Saw. (Yes, I’m exaggerating….but barely.)
But in order for you to fully understand the crappiness of my new desk, I thought it necessary to list a few other ways to describe my future office home.
-If my office is a 1991 psychological thriller movie, I’m moving into a well in a crossdressing serial killer’s basement.
-If my office is a recording studio, I’m moving into the booth where Michael Bolton and Britney Spears are rehearsing duets for their new Sex Education Musical.
-If my office is the world, I’m moving to Canada.
That should describe the situation adequately. Obviously, my Miltonization process has begun, and it’s only a matter of time before they start piling boxes of TPS reports on my desk. If any of this sounds familiar to you, I would advise you to start assembling your resume.
And keep an eye on your stapler.
HA Guy
]]>While I’m not a credible source for how to get rich, I feel pretty confident teaching people how to [...]]]>
While I’m not a credible source for how to get rich, I feel pretty confident teaching people how to pour loads of time and effort into ideas that reap miniscule monetary returns. (Take that sentence as a perfect example. Lots of great financial lingo, very little benefit to the reader.) So if you’re looking for a little extra income, with an emphasis on little, the following should serve you well.
1. Start a blog. By May 2043 I should have racked up a cool 4 dollars.
2. Ask your Dad for $50, then become an architect.
3. Unplug/break your office soda machine. Buy 50 cokes at $1 a piece and sell them to your coworkers for $1.01. (Insist on the penny and remind them America wasn’t built by slackass moochers when they act like they don’t have it.) You won’t be the most popular guy in the break room, but you’ll be halfway to a free snickers bar – and a probable ass shalacking.
4. Invest in Assbrellas. (Don’t worry, this link is safe for work. Especially if your boss loves large digital representations of asses on common household items.)
5. Make 5 Michael Bolton t-shirts and sell one to each of his fans for $10.10. (But be warned, this is the most risky option. It’s highly possible you might end up with a few shirts left over.)
Let me know how it goes.
HA Guy
]]>I experienced this firsthand last weekend when easyB (the girlfriend) and I took the bus home from the airport. Both extremely tired from traveling all day, we sat in silence watching the city roll by, relieved to finally be home. Everyone else [...]]]>
Bad things happen when private personal grooming activities and public transportation mix.
I experienced this firsthand last weekend when easyB (the girlfriend) and I took the bus home from the airport. Both extremely tired from traveling all day, we sat in silence watching the city roll by, relieved to finally be home. Everyone else must have felt the same, as the bus was abnormally and pleasantly quiet. Unfortunately though, during our blissful moments of relaxation, the calming hum of the bus was rudely interrupted by a sporadic click, click, click noise.
“What the heck is that?” easyB’s eyes seemed to say. (We were way too tired to communicate verbally, so instead we used our patented eyebrow and grunting language.) I didn’t know and honestly didn’t really care. So I eyebrowed back my indifference and continued day dreaming of being a pro baseball player/bikini model oiler-upper. EasyB’s curiosity could not be quelled, however, and she turned to investigate the noise. When she faced forward again, her quizzical expression had changed into one of disgust. Her eyebrows seemed to be gagging. The clicking noise was coming from the older man directly behind us.
He was clipping his extraordinarily dirty finger nails.
Now I’m all for personal hygiene, but this seemed a bit out of place if not completely inappropriate. Everyone knows that fingernail clippings have a tendency to fly off in multiple directions. Not a problem when you’re at home and can clean them up – or not – yourself. Huge problem if you’re on a public bus and nailing strangers in the face with your dirty fingernail shrapnel.
I started wondering why this man felt compelled to clip his fingernails at this exact moment. Lack of time at home doesn’t cut it; it’s too short an activity, at least for guys. And despite the smell, there’s no way he could confuse this particular public bus with his bathroom at home.
As the excess dirty fingernails continued ricocheting off the window next to us, I concluded that this man must suffer from a lack of confidence in his personal hygiene. He obviously felt he needed to prove to others he takes care of himself, so he brought his private grooming activities to the streets and forced it on the public. And while he probably thought this was a productive way to keep his level of hygiene up, all it really did was bring everyone else’s down. When you think about it, it’s just like making fun of others to make yourself feel better; retarded and very high school.
So to everyone else out there, let me say have confidence in your personal hygiene, and that it shines through without you having to force it on others.
And please remember, it doesn’t matter how dirty your fingernails are, unless you’ve got small children trapped under there, save the clipping for home.
HA Guy
]]>I’m currently teaching a class one night a week at a local college. There is a broad range of ages, backgrounds and desire to work amongst my 8 5 students (3 have dropped over the semester, I blame the economy and [...]]]>
A few words on what does and does not constitute an attitude problem.
I’m currently teaching a class one night a week at a local college. There is a broad range of ages, backgrounds and desire to work amongst my 8 5 students (3 have dropped over the semester, I blame the economy and Somalian pirates, not myself). I recently had a chat with one of my brightest students who just so happens to also be my least motivated and least productive student. I asked him what was up with his lack of effort thus far.
He told me not to worry, that it wasn’t my fault, and that he simply had an attitude problem. Really?
In my limited experience, students with sincere attitude problems generally exhibit the same characteristics: rudeness, lack of confidence, inability to understand themselves, etc. And they typically are completely convinced the authority figure in their lives (in this case me) is out to get them.
So it seems to me that if you have enough insight into who you are as a person, and are aware of your so called “attitude problem”, claiming you suffer from an attitude problem is ridiculous. And it seems to me that if you are polite enough to attempt to spare a teacher’s confidence by reassuring him he’s doing a good job, an attitude problem is far from the cause of your lack of productivity. The real problem, simply put, is that you just don’t want to work. In which case, that’s not a problem of attitude, it’s a problem of lazyness. And that’s normal. Attitude problems are difficult to move past. Lazyness problems can be easily overcome; it’s called delegating and it’s how you become an elected official.
Advice:
People with attitude problems are generally dickheads, not polite, amazingly introspective human beings. So don’t falsely claim an attitude problem when lazyness is the real reason you’re sucking it up in class.
And if you really do have an attitude problem, put on your dickhead hat and give it all you’ve got. If there’s one thing a teacher hates, it’s doing something half-assed.
The HA Guy
]]>
With President Obama recently re-opening the door for federally funded stem cell research, the debate regarding the ethics of this science has been reignited. Supporters of embryonic stem cell research argue mankind needs the work to help find cures for diseases such as Parkinson’s, as well as help people recover from spinal cord injurues. Opponents argue that the research will lead to unethical, immoral cloning practices and man playing God.
While this remains an extremely controversial and meaningful debate, I am not here to campaign on behalf of either side.
Instead, as a distributor of immensely helpful advice, and being the forward thinker I am, I’ve decided to draft a few guidelines for the average person in determining whether or not he/she should invest in cloning himself/herself.
If in fact disease rises and morality wavers to the extent that everyone jumps on the “Fuck it, let’s clone some shit and see what happens,” bandwagon, people will no doubt look for guidance on the issue of replicating themselves.
And as Wal-Mart starts selling personal cloning machines – which is inevitable as they obviously already own some sort of corporate, big-box cloning machine and it’s only matter of time before they start marketing a personal sized version – the commercial world will begin to saturate society with cloning propaganda.
When that time comes, refer to this article for guidance.
Ultimately, cloning should only be used for the good of humanity. As “the good of humanity” can be interpreted many ways, I’ve listed a few examples below that should make things a bit clearer. If you feel you have a unique situation not covered below, shoot me an email and I’ll post an appropriate response.
1. If your mother-in-law/wife/first born child is borderline the most annoying person in the world, and you want to clone yourself so only the other you has to deal with that person, thereby alleviating all of mankind from ever having to spend time with that person, cloning in this case is completely acceptable.
2. If you are an avid Michael Bolton fan (heaven forbid Michael Bolton himself) cloning yourself is not acceptable.
3. If you are Penelope Cruz, by all means clone away.
4. If you have ever sported a genuine mullet in your lifetime – by choice – cloning yourself is an absolute must. The world can never have enough Mississippi mudflaps.
5. If you currently use a segway to get around town, do not clone yourself, as the sheer absurdity and lazyness associated with using that contraption needs no replication.
6. If you’ve ever won the Tour de France with one testicle, there can never be enough of you. Clone until your heart’s content.
7. If you are in anyway associated with Comcast and the subsequent ass raping they hand out to all of their customers, please avoid copying yourself.
8. If you are in the habit of starring in, directing, producing or recommending movies with Lindsay Lohan, you’re already one of a kind. There’s no need to dilute the world’s intelligence by increasing the number of you.
9. If your first name is Michael, and your last name rhymes with molten, do not under any circumstances clone yourself. This point simply cannot be stressed enough.
10. If you are under the opinion that the majority of your life altering, moral decisions should be highly influenced by sarcastic, well written, humorous advice columns on the web, I humbly ask that you buy that portable home cloning machine from Wal-Mart and immediately start cloning the beJesus out of yourself.
The HA Guy
]]>