Humorous Advice » Relationships

How To Handle Moving In Together – Part 6: The Money Nazi

HA Guy — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 12:56:50 +0000

When it comes to relationships, the subject of money can sometimes prove to be problematic.

It starts with first dates and fifth dates and saying, “I’ll get the jujubees sweetheart. And I’ll pay for the ridiculously over priced 32 oz. fountain drink. I want you to have the best time ever at our third viewing of Pride and Prejudice!”

It ends with moving in together and saying, “I swear to God it’s your turn to buy the groceries. I paid for them last week. And I’ll be damned if I’m not buying all the 2% milk I want this time!”

As the relationship grows and the inevitable “money” discussions arise, it can sometimes put a strain on the relationship. Below are some tips on minimizing potential problems.

1] Set up a system.
Once you move in together, develop a strategy for splitting up your expenses. Currently, easyB and I have a pretty good system going. She’s always been the type to split everything down the middle (God bless the feminist movement – well, that small part of it anyway) in an effort to keep everything equal. We keep a list of expenses that should be split between us and “settle up” once a month or so.

Enter the Money Nazi, easyB’s alter ego. If this were a movie, it would best compare with Star Wars when Darth Vader enters the room. (And I don’t mean Return of the Jedi Darth Vader when he’s getting old and soft and is all, “Maybe I’ll give this whole good guy thing a shot.” I mean original Star Wars Darth Vader where he walks around choking people and f-ing up planets just because it’s a Monday.) After a few years of living together, I’ve learned that when it’s time to talk finance or settle up, the sweet and beautiful easyB morphs into a stern, “pay up or die” Money Nazi.*

2] Pay up when you can, but do it now.
Typically, I end up owing the Money Nazi every time. (I’m still trying to figure out how, but asking questions feels more dangerous than just handing over the cash.) We settle up, realize I owe her money, and she expects payment immediately. But instead of threatening me with Jedi strangle holds or the silent treatment, she simply lets me know that if I don’t pay up she’ll bust in my kneecaps.

I don’t know about you, but I love my kneecaps. A lot. So I pay up.

All threats of de-kneecapitation aside, it’s important to not take advantage of your loved one by procrastinating when paying them back. It keeps everything fair and the relationship benefits greatly.

3] When in doubt, PRS (paper/rock/scissors) the situation.
The difficult part of the system can be deciding what expenses should be split. For the most part, the Money Nazi and I agree on what to add to the list. But if ever a disagreement should arise, we go with the paper/rock/scissors method.

It’s simultaneously wierd and utterly fantastic that decisions regarding topics of great importance such as money and politics can be made – and are regarded as definite and final by all parties – with a simple game of paper/rock/scissors. In our society, rock slamming down on scissors holds the same weight as a judge or jury. It’s why America is awesome. That and Chuck Norris.

So if you and your significant other find yourselves having a “disagreement” regarding a financial issue, agree to settle it over a game of freedom-loving, terrorism-hating, roundhouse-ass kicking paper/rock/scissors.

HA Guy

*By Money Nazi I mean an intelligent, beautiful, wonderful, loving, beautiful, awesome girl who is simply being responsible with her money and who would expect certain humor writers to do the same and pay people back in a timely fashion. (But who also has no problem busting up some kneecaps.)

How To Pick Up Women – Brett Favre Style

HA Guy — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 13:45:02 +0000

He knows you want him.

Step one, as always, is finding the right girl. And knowing where to look depends greatly on knowing what you’re looking for. Typically you’ve always been attracted to northern Wisconsin girls who live near bays: blond beauties who aren’t afraid of cows, the cold or wearing huge cheese shaped hats. So stick with what you know.

(Of course, a Jersey girl might be fun. Maybe one with a thick northestern accent and a ridiculous amount of attitude. Or maybe a Minnesota girl. The kind who sounds wierd when she says “soda” and looks good in purple. That could work too.)

Sometimes it can be difficult to decide. But the good news about not knowing what you want is that you can find it almost anywhere.

Step two, is saying the right thing to your Wisconsin beauty (or maybe the Jersey girl – no, Minnesota – no, wait, Wisconsin – no, definitely Minnesota). Introduce yourself, then give her a compliment. If you’re having trouble thinking of a compliment, you’re either nervous or you picked the wrong girl. Hopefully it’s the former, and if so, just relax and compare her to something you love, like your Wrangler jeans. Tell her you think she’s real, classic, comfortable, and that she’s the kind of thing you can see yourself running around in for years to come.

If it’s the latter, well, maybe you should have gone with the Jersey girl – or maybe Minnesota.

No, the Jersey girl.

Step three, is buying her a drink. After your compliment has won her over, offer to buy her a beverage so you can continue the conversation. Stick with topics you know – such as football, Farrelly Brothers movies (emphasizing the fact that Ben Stiller is a douche and you would never lose a chick to him) and of course, Wrangler jeans – so as to sound intelligent and make a good first impression. Feeling comfortable with the topic of conversation will help you to relax and exude confidence as well as mask your dark, underlying fear that maybe you should have stayed with the Wisconsin beauty.

Or gone with the Jersey girl.

Or maybe Minnesota. Shit.

Step 4 is setting up the next date and knowing when to leave the bar. It’s important to understand when it’s time to make your exit. After a few minutes of good conversation, her interest will peak and she’ll be more inclined to go out with you. That’s when you should leave. Tell her it was great meeting her, ask for her number and casually walk out. Don’t linger. Don’t waffle.

Don’t take two steps towards the door, then come back and say you left your keys, then walk back towards the door, then walk back to her and make sure you wrote her number down correctly, then say goodbye again and start to leave, then come back and have one more drink, then finally say goodbye for real and walk out of the bar, then turn around four blocks later, walk back into the bar and ask out another girl who the first girl hates with every fiber of her being.

Or do.

What do I know. You’re probably the only guy who can get away with it.

HA Guy

How To Handle Moving In Together – Part 5: I Can’t Fix That

HA Guy — Thu, 17 Sep 2009 23:07:14 +0000

Living with someone means you learn everything about that person. You find out how clean (or dirty) they are, how well they cook (or that they can’t even boil pasta) and how pleasant (or grumpy, and frankly mean) they are in the morning.

But what happens when your significant other learns that you, despite your status as a man, aren’t exactly the “handy” type?

When you had separate places, it was fairly easy to conceal the fact that you weren’t the handiest of guys. Leave some wrenches, a disassembled machine part of some kind and a power drill lying around and boom, you’re a regular Bob Veila. Truth be told, the wrenches belong to your roomate, the machine part is just a blender you can’t put back together since your roomate threw his wrench at it, and the drilll hasn’t worked for years.

Most importantly, you were renting. So you never had to fix shit.

But once you take the moving in together plunge, your curtain of macho can be swiftly pulled away. Soon the faucet will leak, and your lady friend will look at you lovingly, eagerly awaiting your transformation into a burly, hammer toating logger man who can fix anything.

Trouble is, if you’re of the non-handy persuasion, she’ll just see you.

Most men panic at this point, pretend they know what they’re doing, and make both the faucet and the situation much worse. Wrong move. The key here is to manipulate the circumstances so that you still maintain your manly status despite not solving the problem.

Below are three ways to avoid losing your man card when you can’t fix the sink – or anything else that breaks.

1. Blame it on insufficient tools.
Take a few minutes to examine the problem. Poke stuff, twist knobs and bang walls. Be sure to squint and curse a lot during the process. This shows her you understand the problem and that you’re pissed about the lack of quality in household products / construction these days. Once you realize you have no idea what to do, mention something about needing a new, super special part that only a repair man would have. Sigh, curse again and mumble something about damn German engineering. If it wasn’t for that, you could fix this problem in no time.

Note: If she calls your bluff, stare blankly at her for a few moments, then shrug and walk away. You never lose man cards when you lie and pretend you know something when you don’t. In fact, I’m pretty sure Chuck Norris drops by to personally hand you a bonus man card. (And when I say Chuck Norris I mean Delta Force Chuck Norris. Not Top Dog Chuck Norris.)

2. Safety first.
Convince her it’s a dangerous problem that only a professional should handle. When she looks skeptical, turn on the acting skills and follow the conversation below.

You: I never thought I’d see this again.

Her: What?

You: This faucet problem. (pause, look away for a second, then stare down at the floor) We had this problem when I lived with Ted, Newman and Buddy a few years back.

Her: Who the hell are they? I’ve never heard you speak of them before.

You: That’s because it’s difficult to talk about. (pause) Buddy caused a problem just like this and Ted tried to fix it himself. (pause again) It didn’t go well.

Her: What happened?

You: The (throw in relevant part name) exploded. Ted was killed, Newman lost an eye, and Buddy…..(trail off, look upset)

Her: What? Buddy what?!

You: ….Buddy was so upset he went crazy and now lives in a mental institution in northern Wisconsin where he only eats cabbage and plays with his imaginary chicken farm. (start to choke up – if you can pull off a tear, even better)

Her: Seriously? I’ve never heard this before.

You: I tried to forget. I tried so hard. No one was ever the same. I don’t know why I was spared that day, but it’s a burden I’ll have to carry forever.

Her: Are you ok?

You: I will be….one day.

Her: Ok. I’ll call the repair guy.

3. Blatant honesty.
Tell her you can’t fix it and give her your man card. Then give her a slap on the ass and take it back.

HA Guy

How To Handle Moving In Together – Part 4: You’re Kind Of Mean In The Morning

HA Guy — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 22:05:32 +0000

[What to do when your significant other resembles the head spinning lady from Poltergeist in the morning.]

I’m not what you would call a morning person. I enjoy snoozing, sleeping late and not waking up early. When I am forced out of bed before 11am – either by work, social obligations or ninjas* – I don’t exactly wake up singing with a smile on my face.

But, I’m not a complete asshole either.

My girlfriend EasyB on the other hand, is a completely different story. She wakes up extremely grumpy (and frankly mean) almost every morning. And seeing as how we don’t live in a hippie commune any more, I’m the only one around for her to take out her morning frustrations on. For instance, we had this conversation a while back:

Laying in bed the night before.

Me: I wish we didn’t have class tomorrow morning.

EasyB: Uh. I know. What time is class?

Me: 9am

EasyB: That’s ridiculous.

Me: It’s actually a normal time as far as the rest of the world is concerned. Once we graduate we’ll have to get up that early all of the time.

EasyB: Nonsense. But please help me get up tomorrow morning.

Me: Sure.

Next morning. It’s 9:30 and I’m ready to go. EasyB is still in bed.

Me: Hey, it’s 9:30. Time to get up.

EasyB: (Rolls over, gives the evil eye, rolls back over. Apparently no verbal communication is necessary.)

Me: Hey. It’s 9:40. You probably need to get up.

EasyB: Uh. Mfrgbm. Asshole. Mmmfphb.

Me: EasyB. It’s 5 till 9. Get up, we’ve got to go.

EasyB: (Rolls over and unleashes the evil eye once more.) I….don’t….want you….(rolls back over)

Short silence.

Me: What? Was that the end of that sentence?

EasyB: I’m skipping class today. Mfrghb hmm hm. Asshole. Mmfrghmmmmm.

Me: Yeah I figured that but let’s back it up a second Dirty Harry. Did you just say you don’t want me?

EasyB: Uhhh. To wake me up. I don’t want you to wake me up.

Me: But you stopped after “you”! You can’t just stop after “you”! It means something completely different when you stop after “you”.

EasyB: (A bit more awake now, but still quite groggy – and pissed.) Well you were trying to wake me up and I didn’t want to wake up. I needed to sound serious.

Me: Well mission accomplished. See you after class.

EasyB: Maybe…….asshole.

So what do you do when you move in with the sweet, beautiful girl you fell in love with only to find out she resembles a cold hearted, pissed off drill sargeant when she wakes up every morning?

Here’s what I’ve learned.

Don’t take it seriously.
Consider everything she says during this time to be something she doesn’t mean. (Except for “Move, I have to pee.” She’s pretty damn serious about that.) After she’s been up for an hour or so, she should return to completing coherent, not so mean sentences.

Stay out of the line of fire.
When EasyB finally manages to get out of bed – emitting those deep, dinosaur like roars mixed with what sounds like a Chinese man speaking German – I make sure to keep clear. I keep one eye on her at all times, so as to stay one step ahead and maintain at least a 5 foot buffer zone between us. If she ever pulls a sneak attack and I find her heading straight for me, I bring back what I learned in elementary school fire safety class: duck, cover and roll. Meaning duck into a corner (preferably a dark one where she can’t see you), cover yourself with pots and pans, and roll yourself out of harm’s way.

Don’t tap the glass.
In these tense early morning situations, you want to follow the same rules you would when looking at caged animals in the zoo: Don’t tap the glass. It’s important not to provoke your loved one. Asking questions such as, “Did you sleep well?” and “Do you want some cereal?” will only anger her further. If you must make verbal contact, keep any questions or comments simple, so that short, raspy grunts will serve as adequate answers. Trying to hold a conversation will just result in her saying things like “I don’t want you.”

HA Guy

*I haven’t been woken up by ninjas yet, though if I ever am I’ll be super pumped about it. But I still wouldn’t wake up singing since more than likely they would be waking me up for a super secret ninja mission and we’d have to be very quiet.

How To Handle Moving In Together – Part 3: Cooking Dinner

HA Guy — Mon, 17 Aug 2009 22:24:07 +0000

I started cooking to impress women – one woman to be exact. When I met easyB I knew I’d found a girl that was worth the extra effort. So I played my “Hey, look how awesome, well rounded and desirable I am because I can cook” card early on in the relationship. (Probably a bit too early in retrospect.)

Good news: It worked. She bought it, agreed to make out with me and now we live together.

Slightly less than good news: I’m still expected to cook. Apparently that card I played is still on the table, despite my best efforts to pretend I never played it.

But even though I’d rather sit on my ass every night while she slaves over dinner, I’ve realized sharing the cooking duties goes a long way in maintaining a relationship.

So if you’ve found yourself living with your girl and contemplating manning the stove, below are the three most important things to remember.

Why it’s a good idea in the first place.
Other than the simple fact that it’s great to eat good, home-cooked meals that didn’t come out of the microwave, there are several reasons why it’s a good idea for a man to cook.

A] It’s a turn on for women.*
B] It fosters a loving, caring relationship based on equality and teamwork – which is a turn on for women.
C] I think A really says it all.
D] There’s not much I wouldn’t do if it satisfies A.
E] Are you still looking for more reasons? Did you read A?

Don’t get flustered.
When you do cook, rest assured it won’t always go according to plan. Sometimes things get burned, sometimes sauce gets spilled, and sometimes you eat half of the meal before you’re done preparing it. Don’t get frustrated. Women love a guy who can turn a bad situation into something funny or unique. (Sometimes it turns them on.)

And remember, no matter how bad you screwed up the meal, ranch dressing fixes everything.

Mix it up.
We all have our specialties. I’m good with pasta, pancakes, potatoes and meat. I’m terrible with desserts and anything related to vegetarian meals. (I don’t believe in meals without meat, as I don’t enjoy being hungry right after I eat.)

But no matter how comfortable or uncomfortable you are with certain foods, it’s important to branch out and try new things when you cook. Otherwise, you’ll find yourself having a conversation similar to the one I recently had.

Me: I’m hungry. Are you hungry? I’m hungry.

EasyB: Yeah, I’m pretty hungry.

Me: What should we eat? We’ve got plenty of food to cook.

EasyB: I don’t know.

Me: You feel like cooking? We’ve got chicken and fish and stuff.

EasyB: I’m pretty tired actually. I really don’t feel like cooking.

Me: Oh. Ok. No problem. I’m not that tired. I’ll cook.

EasyB: Thats ok. You don’t have to.

Me: It’s no big deal. I really don’t mind. I’ll cook.

EasyB: Nah. I really don’t feel like pasta.

(long silence)

Me: So….you’d rather just order pizza….wouldn’t you.

EasyB: Yes. That sounds great.

So keep the above morsels of wisdom in mind, and enjoy slaving over the stove in hopes of getting some action.

HA Guy

*It’s possible women invented the “men cooking turns me on” theory as a ploy to trick us into volunteering for household chores. I’m not 100% certain as of yet. But when it comes to cooking it’s worth the risk. You’ll at least get some food out of the deal. Just don’t let her try and take it too far. If she’s got you cleaning the shower or scrubbing the toilet because “it turns her on”, consider yourself played.

How To Handle Moving In Together – Part 2: The Bathroom

HA Guy — Tue, 04 Aug 2009 14:11:21 +0000

In my last post on moving in together we focused on the “great purge” and the battle over whose stuff gets thrown out. Part dos (Spanish for “two”) of this series takes a look at an even more volatile and dangerous aspect of moving in with your significant other: sharing a bathroom.

As a man, sharing an apartment or house with your girlfriend provides many new challenges and wonderful experiences. Sharing a bathroom with her just provides many challenges.

Unfortunately, a large percentage of men enter into this situation completely unaware of what they’re getting themselves into. So in order to provide them with ample warning of the shit storm they’re about to enter, I’ve laid out trois (French for “three” – who ever said Humorous Advice couldn’t teach you anything was a moron) important things to remember when contemplating sharing a bathroom with your woman friend.

1] 6 of one, half dozen of another.
When looking at the bathroom, she’ll see one thing, you’ll see something completely different. I’ll use myself and easyB (el love of my life) as an example. Where she sees disgusting, I see pretty clean. Where she sees gross face stubble dotting our white sink, I see knots of long brown hair thick enough to hide small animals clogging the drain. Where she smells dirty towels, I smell the money I’m saving by avoiding the laundromat one more week.

It’s important to try and compromise as much as possible in these situations. Try to see it through the other person’s eyes. If all else fails, I recommend adopting the “agree to disagree” policy, though that is much easier said than done. (I’ve been trying it for years but somehow I get the feeling I’m the only one who’s actually living up to my end of the deal.)

2] But we just cleaned it last week!!
When I lived by myself, I would clean my bathroom once every 3-8 months. Now, it seems there is an endless supply of reasons to clean the bathroom: people coming to stay with us, it smells bad, I stepped on your toe nail clippings, I enjoy cleaning it because you never do and I can hold it over your head forever muah ha ha ha etc., etc.

The truth is there’s no way out of this one. Women need immaculately clean bathrooms to survive. The trick is to quickly volunteer to clean the easiest parts of the bathroom: the sink, the medicine cabinet and the mirror. Leave the toilet, floor, shower and shower curtain to her. Chances are you won’t clean them to her laboratory standards anyway and she’ll end up cleaning them herself a second time. But by volunteering (happily, if possible) to clean at least some portions of the bathroom, you’ll look like you care – and usually that’s more important than actually caring.

It’s also best to note that she’ll know exactly what you’re doing the second time you offer to start wiping down the sink, so don’t freak out and start volunteering to scrub behind the toilet. Stick to your guns. She’ll resign herself to taking what she can get.

3] Bodywash overload.
My typical shower routine consists of jumping into the tub (not literally though, that’s quite dangerous) staring blankly at the wall for several minutes, blowing my nose, and then using my 1 bar of soap and my 1 bottle of shampoo to clean myself. (Unless of course I’ve run out of bar soap, in which case the shampoo works overtime.) Her daily routine is exactly the same, except for everything after jumping into the tub. First, she looks down on blowing one’s nose in the shower. (Apparently they make kleenex for that. Who knew?) Second, she must choose between the 72 different kinds of bodywash and shampoo she currently owns.

Unfortunately this overload of body cleansers is not completely her fault.

You’ll give her some for her birthday/anniversary (you’ll expect to do something sexy with it, she’ll just be pumped about the nerve activating scrubbing beads), her mom will give her some for Christmas, she’ll buy some for herself when the bottle she already owns is half full and all of the sudden you’ve got enough bodywash to invade North Korea.

There’s no way around this one either. You’ll just have to deal and be content with the fact that maybe one day you’ll get to use the bodywash you gave her in the manner you originally intended.

Good luck my friends.

HA Guy

How To Pick Up Women – Quentin Tarantino Style

HA Guy — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 17:30:31 +0000

Women love men with creative minds.

If they deem you creative or artsy, they’ll pretty much overlook any other flaws you might have, including bathing irregularly, sleeping with dozens of other women and being partially dimented like Quentin Tarantino.

For example, QT makes great movies filled with blood, guts, rape, murder, ears being sliced off, drug overdoses and faces being bitten by black mambas – all with a never ending stream of profanity – and still remains attractive to women. And it’s all because he’s creative.

So in order to dissect this cinematic mad scientist’s ability to attract women, I called QT and asked him to layout his step by step guide for picking up the ladies.* See below.

1] Find the girl.
This is the easy part. Being the open minded, creative type you are, almost any girl will suit your style and there are thousands of locations to find the next source of inspiration. QT suggests bars, biker rallies, haunted houses, midget conventions, brothels, circus freak therapy sessions, senior citizen knitting clubs, congress or waffle house.

2] The approach.
When you’ve spotted your target, walk up to her in a slow motion, cool 70’s jive manner, carefully choosing moments to glance to the side and wink and/or fake shoot someone. While you’re walking, pretend “Let It Loose” by the Rolling Stones is playing in the background. It won’t be, so to everyone else you’ll look ridiculous. But as long as you think you look cool, you’re golden.

3] Conversation
Once you’re standing in front of her, strike up a long, overly-thought out conversation focusing on topics such as whether or not French fries ever daydream of being Spanish and why plaid pants look best on short people.

7] Take her home.
Sleep with her.

9] Coffee.
Take her for coffee at the local diner. Talk about frogs, why the movie Hostel actually didn’t suck and tipping waitresses. Order the Spanish omellette.

5] Joy ride.
Once the drugs have kicked in, hop into your old school Cadillac, turn on the oldies station and drop the f bomb several times.

8] The next morning.
When she wakes up, she’ll be a bit confused and spend the rest of the morning trying to remember what happened between the Spanish French fries and your bed. Suggest going for coffee at the local diner.

6] Unleash your stoner knowledge.
While cruising in your Caddy, name every song on the radio and sing along. After a few minutes she’ll be ready to head to your place just to get out of the car.

4] Turn up the heat.
When she’s in a daze of boredom from your plaid pants monologue, suggest partaking in the recreational drug of your choice.

10] Finale.
If she asks for some of your omellette, emaphatically refuse. Then explain why the concept of sharing is merely a ridiculous, unrealistic custom forced on society by sadistic, control obsessed people…..as is being expected to call a woman back after sleeping with her.

Good luck.

*He actually didn’t pick up the first time I called, and his manager told me to fuck off the second time I called. So, technically QT had nothing to do with this post, but I’d like to think he’d agree.

How To Pick Up Women – Barack Obama Style

HA Guy — Tue, 21 Jul 2009 13:59:13 +0000

You got fries to go with that shake?

For this installment of How To Pick Up Women, we’re focusing on the guy who seems to have it all: upper class men with powerful jobs, loads of money, tons of respect and/or top secret security clearance. These seemingly unstoppable power figures have a lot going for them when it comes to the opposite sex, but even men who make upwards of a thousand dollars a day can have trouble picking up dimes. So with President Barack Obama in mind, I’ve developed a potentially full proof method for the wealthy and elite to bolster their Shorty Portfolio.

First, choose a social establishment that attracts the type of young, beautiful, well spoken women that suit your style. Education is a plus, but certainly not a deal breaker in the beginning. Museums, libraries and bars with a lot of wood paneling and old white guys are great places to start. Burger King might have worked for Dubya, but not for you.

Once you’ve spotted that special someone, send over one of your entourage with a little note throwing her a compliment. I’m thinking something like “I might be all about change, but I wouldn’t change a thing about you baby,” would be appropriate.

If she turns a cold shoulder, shake it off, pick another target and re-engage. You didn’t get to the top by accepting defeat. You got their by handing it out to old white guys and clueless (but hot) Alaskan hockey moms.

Once the note reels in a beautiful woman/potential political scandal, have your entourage escort her to your location. Make sure they wear sunglasses and whisper cool things like “Eagle Eye 1″ and “Hot Pocket on the move” into their cufflinks. Once she’s reached you, stare at her with that calm, sly grin that seems to say “I could nuke Canada right now if I wanted to,” but actually says “I love children and dogs named after desserts,” instead.

Next, spark up a little conversation and focus on politics, basketball and change, as those are your strong suits. Women dig men with confidence, and that goes double for guys that only talk about what they’re good at. If she brings up quitting smoking or fostering bipartisan comradery, change the subject.

When she asks about your work, be humble, and don’t boast about rewriting history books, crossing racial divides or the fact that you eat at the best cafeteria ever. Just let her know that you take your job very seriously and that you love your work, even when it means keeping a straight face when Al Franken starts making speeches in the senate. If you must brag, keep it short, and simply mention that you have excellent oratory skills.

At this point you should have that shit locked up. Record her digits into your blackberry and call her two days later when you’re either in a blackhawk helicopter hovering over Paris or handing out organic peanut butter sandwiches to orphans.

HA Guy

In Case You Weren’t Aware, The Following Are Relationship Deal Breakers

HA Guy — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 17:14:05 +0000

It absolutely amazes me how long some people stay in bad relationships. Occasionally, it’s a case of simply not caring that they’re being treated poorly. But I’ve found that it sometimes boils down to people just not realizing they’re being mistreated.

So to help clarify when it’s time to drop the old ball and chain, I’ve listed the following relationship deal breakers. If you catch your GF/BF doing any of the following, it’s time to cut them loose.

1. Lying about their gender. (Unless of course you’re doing the same thing, in which case I’m not sure if you’ll both be really excited or really dissapointed.)

2. Admitting to enjoying Michael Bolton music. Shows lack of taste, intelligence and concern for your well being.

3. Cheating on you with siblings, grandparents or animals.

4. Waiting until after you’ve consumated the relationship to disclose the fact that they’re a proud owner of 7 different STDs.

5. Locking people in the basement – unless those people are hippies. That should be rewarded.

6. Cheating on you with priests, taxi drivers or anyone who works at a circus – unless of course it’s the soft pretzel vendor. In that case let it go and take advantage of the extra salt and mustard.

7. Posting nude photos of you on the Internet without your consent – unless you’re in the porn business, in which case embrace the free marketing.

8. Converting to vegetarianism (is that a real “ism”?) and having the gaul to demand you do the same. No one should ever be forced to give up meat for love.

9. Cheating on you with Hillary Clinton (Bill’s cool though) Tom Cruise or pregnant people. They will all expect your other half to commit to something very time consuming – be it the democratic party, child rearing or a crazy sci-fi religion that shocks the beJesus out of people (literally) until they become mentally retarded and poor. And that will leave no time – or money – for you.

10. Converting to Scientology. See number 9.

HA Guy

First Dates, Friends With Bad Taste and Subsequent Apologies

HA Guy — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 13:02:08 +0000

Today I thought I’d take a chapter out of my How To Be An Idiot With Women guide and touch on first dates. We all know that first dates are where those all important first impressions are made and where you either come off looking suave or completely ridiculous.

Being me, I went with completely ridiculous.

In hopes of deterring you from taking my well traveled path, I’ve given you a rundown of my first date with easyB, el love of my life, so that you can see clearly what NOT to do on a first date.

You’re welcome in advance.

For the official first date with easyB I decided to go with dinner and a movie. Casual, classic, relatively cheap, plus the movie would force me to keep my mouth shut for 2 solid hours, thereby minimizing the time I’d have to make a fool of myself. Picking out the restaurant was easy. We were in a small college town, so it was either Hardee’s or the local steak place, and since Hardee’s ran out of chicken sandwiches, we went to the steak place.

Dinner went smoothly. It went so smoothly in fact that I almost went in for a kiss immediately afterward just in case I f-ed the date up later. But I held back not wanting to seem like the horny, immature college guy that I was.

Picking the movie was where it all went south. Instead of checking to see what was showing, I apparently decided I was too busy studying (a.k.a eating, sleeping, drinking beer or watching my friends challenge each other to drunken arm punching contests) to pick out a movie myself. So, as I walked out the door on my way to pick up easyB, I quickly asked my buddy, let’s call him Bill, to recommend a movie. He recommended Rules of Attraction. He described it as a “very cool college movie” and said it was awesome. At the time I knew Bill and my movie tastes weren’t perfectly aligned, but I figured they couldn’t be too far off.

Wrong. Very embarassingly wrong.

I don’t know if any of you have seen Rules of Attraction, but within 15 minutes, the lead female character goes to a party, gets drunk, gets roofied and loses her virginity to a fat guy who pukes on her during sex – all while someone else watches. And before you start thinking this was done in an artsy, black and white, sundance film festival kind of way, it wasn’t. James Van Der Beek had the lead male role, so that pretty much killed off all credibility from the start.

As I sat there with easyB, a girl I really liked, watching what epitomized a girl’s fears of date rape play out in glorious detail and surround sound, several thoughts were running through my head:

1. Bill will die tonight.
2. I’m such an idiot for listening to Bill. I mean he loved Battlefield Earth for shit’s sake.
3. EasyB thinks I picked this movie. She probably thinks I tried to slip her a roofy at dinner, which would explain why she keeps glancing at the exit.
4. This was probably not a good career choice for James Van Der Beek. I understand he’s trying to break out of that Dawson’s Creek sappy, lovesick puppy pigeon hole, but this clearly wasn’t the way to go.
5. I should have kissed her at dinner. That ship has probably sailed.
6. Dammit! The movie was suppose to STOP me from looking like an idiot!

Needless to say, the car ride home was a bit quiet. When I dropped her off, I tried to explain how we ended up seeing that particular cinematic gem. Of course it didn’t really matter what I said, since it was all drowned out by the horrible images I just took her to see.

Thankfully, by some strange miracle and lack of common sense on her part, she agreed to give me another chance and the second date went much better.

So as far as first dates go, pick the movie out yourself, don’t listen to Bill, and don’t wait until you find out Hardee’s ran out of chicken sandwiches to choose the steak place – always go with the steak place first.

HA Guy