As this current recession has shown, bad management has the ability to not only cause an [...]]]>
As this current recession has shown, bad management has the ability to not only cause an economic crisis, but to aslo prolong it. As a result, unemployment has risen dramatically and the office place has been transformed into a place of worry and fear. Employees are genuinely concerned about losing their jobs and the ability to take care of their families. Good management does it’s best to quell those fears and create as comfortable of a working environment as possible for it’s employees.
Bad management brings a gasoline super soaker to the company bonfire.
Would you mind stepping into the HR office please?
So in order to help America’s business leaders better understand good management vs. bad management, I’ve listed 4 examples illustrating the latter. And you can take my word on this. All 4 techniques were used in my office.
The following will make your employees about as comfortable as Dick Cheney hosting the BET awards.
1] Start selling everything in the office on Craigslist.
When employees start seeing management piling filing cabinets, pencil sharpeners, picture frames and small interns in the lobby like a ghetto AIG yard sale, it doesn’t exactly inspire confidence. It inspires fuck.
2] Lay people off when they’re on vacation.
Granted they’re more relaxed, and possibly less likely to go Van Damme on your ass when they come back and find out they’ve been canned, but it shows poor taste and a lack of balls. Kind of like Perez Hilton.
Scary
3] Fire 65% of the staff….very, very slowly.
My firm decided to axe one or two people a week over a period of 9 months. 9 agonizingly paranoid months. On top of that the layoffs were quick and secretive, so if you weren’t in your chair for any reason, people assumed the worst. No one knew if someone got fired or was just in the bathroom dropping a deuce. Typical conversation consisted of: “Steve, let’s grab lunch. Steve? Hey Jim, is Steve in today? Hey Bill, have you seen Steve? Where the fuck is Steve? Is his shit still here? Where’s his Ladies of Dunder Mifflin calendar? Holy balls. They fired Steve.”
4] Hold an office meeting and announce that the firm will be moving to a new, smaller office space.
While everyone is chewing on that morsel of goodness, casually mention to your 55 employees that there will only be 48 desks in the new space. Let it simmer. Grab a cookie, maybe even two. Walk away.
(That last one is especially effective.)
HA Guy
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Miltonization is the process in which an employee’s personal working environment is downgraded repeatedly until he/she ends up stripped of all benefits, compensation and staplers and working in a rat infested basement in the company’s storage facility. If you still don’t know what I’m talking about, watch the movie Office Space. (And until you do, consider yourself half the person you could be.)
Being the recently appointed Milton in my own office, I’ve decided to write a series of posts describing my experiences in an effort to help others recognize when they’re being Miltonized. After all, knowing is half the battle.
This kickoff post focuses on recognizing the first and most obvious sign of Miltonization: being relocated to a shitty desk.
Curtains are raised and lights are dimmed as my true story begins to unfold:
The new seating chart was revealed in our last office meeting showing off our future “recession savvy” office layout. (Translation: 65% of our employees have been laid off, so it’s time to divy up their crap like wild animals and move to a smaller space.) As I scanned the chart for the location of my future digs, it didn’t take long to realize I got the short end of the “Who can we fuck over with the shittiest desk in the office” stick.
My new desk will reside at the center most point in the office, as far from a window as possible, in a closed off room lit by flourescent lights borrowed from the dungeon in Saw. (Yes, I’m exaggerating….but barely.)
But in order for you to fully understand the crappiness of my new desk, I thought it necessary to list a few other ways to describe my future office home.
-If my office is a 1991 psychological thriller movie, I’m moving into a well in a crossdressing serial killer’s basement.
-If my office is a recording studio, I’m moving into the booth where Michael Bolton and Britney Spears are rehearsing duets for their new Sex Education Musical.
-If my office is the world, I’m moving to Canada.
That should describe the situation adequately. Obviously, my Miltonization process has begun, and it’s only a matter of time before they start piling boxes of TPS reports on my desk. If any of this sounds familiar to you, I would advise you to start assembling your resume.
And keep an eye on your stapler.
HA Guy
]]>I’m currently teaching a class one night a week at a local college. There is a broad range of ages, backgrounds and desire to work amongst my 8 5 students (3 have dropped over the semester, I blame the economy and [...]]]>
A few words on what does and does not constitute an attitude problem.
I’m currently teaching a class one night a week at a local college. There is a broad range of ages, backgrounds and desire to work amongst my 8 5 students (3 have dropped over the semester, I blame the economy and Somalian pirates, not myself). I recently had a chat with one of my brightest students who just so happens to also be my least motivated and least productive student. I asked him what was up with his lack of effort thus far.
He told me not to worry, that it wasn’t my fault, and that he simply had an attitude problem. Really?
In my limited experience, students with sincere attitude problems generally exhibit the same characteristics: rudeness, lack of confidence, inability to understand themselves, etc. And they typically are completely convinced the authority figure in their lives (in this case me) is out to get them.
So it seems to me that if you have enough insight into who you are as a person, and are aware of your so called “attitude problem”, claiming you suffer from an attitude problem is ridiculous. And it seems to me that if you are polite enough to attempt to spare a teacher’s confidence by reassuring him he’s doing a good job, an attitude problem is far from the cause of your lack of productivity. The real problem, simply put, is that you just don’t want to work. In which case, that’s not a problem of attitude, it’s a problem of lazyness. And that’s normal. Attitude problems are difficult to move past. Lazyness problems can be easily overcome; it’s called delegating and it’s how you become an elected official.
Advice:
People with attitude problems are generally dickheads, not polite, amazingly introspective human beings. So don’t falsely claim an attitude problem when lazyness is the real reason you’re sucking it up in class.
And if you really do have an attitude problem, put on your dickhead hat and give it all you’ve got. If there’s one thing a teacher hates, it’s doing something half-assed.
The HA Guy
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In these times of economic uncertainty, it’s incredibly important to do whatever it takes to maintain your job. So you show up on time, avoid surfing the Internet excessively, and keep your nose to the grind. But just as it’s extremely important to do the right things, it’s equally important to make sure you’re not doing the wrong things that can lead to losing your job. Unfortunately, there’s a lot of things people do every day that put them right at the top of their employer’s chopping list.
In order to help people stay on the island, I’ve developed a list of 10 things you might be doing that could lead you to an early trip to the unemployment line.
Avoid the following like hippies avoid soap.
10
Sending twitter messages during the work day. It might be alright for Shaq, but that’s only because he’s 12 feet tall and could eat his boss whole. (Plus he’s got his own martial arts video game. And once your name gets hyphenated with a “fu” and put on the cover of a video game, you can pretty much do whatever you want.)
9
Taking the newspaper from the front reception desk to the bathroom, staying on the can for the better part of an hour and then returning the paper back to the front desk. No one wants that paper back man, trust me.
8
Using the phone at work to handle very personal matters such as your recent diarrhea problems or your hemroid inflammations.
7
Showing up at 9:30, taking a 2 hour lunch and leaving by 5. Unless of course you’re Shaq, and have your own video game, in which case said behavior is completely acceptable.
6
Taking your shoes off at your desk when your feet smell like tuna salad.
5
Stealing from the office candy box. Theiving money from the company or customers (Comcast is currently robbing us blind) is generally considered fair game. But creeping the office supply of moon pies is completely unacceptable.
4
Displaying your lofty collection of Dilbert and Lord of the Rings figurines. Doesn’t speak well for your professionalism and if it comes down to you and someone with a grown up desk, you might as well start packing Frodo and the gang.
3
Making out with people in the office. While I think it’s cool, and am generally all for it, employers tend to frown upon said behavior. Probably best to save the lip tickling for after work or 2010, when the economy wakes up from it’s Wall Street hangover.
2
Eating tuna salad sandwiches. They smell like your feet.
1
Publicly admitting to listening and liking Michael Bolton music. Nothing will get you thrown out the door quicker.
The HA Guy
Related posts:
How To Advance Your Career
How To Know When You’re The New Milton
If you’re like most people, you want to know how to move up the office chain of command as quickly as possible. And, if you’re like most people, you’ve probably read countless books, magazine articles, blogs and fortune cookie predictions on the subject, realizing they all say the same things: “dress for the job you want”, “avoid inner office relationships”, “keep ordering from Speedy Wang’s”, etc.
But if everyone is following these same principles, then you’ve probably found yourself lost in an office environment filled with sexual tension, people dressed exactly alike and way too much Chinese food.
The result is that you feel frustrated, having no idea how to advance your stagnating career.
Luckily, I’ve developed a program to help people like you jumpstart your career and get you moving toward success again. The program is simple, and includes two distinct routes that each end with you at the top. It will be up to you to determine which route to take, as each one focuses on a different personality type. Read through both and be completely honest with yourself in determining which route better suites your personality. Lying to yourself in the beginning only leads to confusion and pain in the end – unless of course you end up super rich, in which case it’ll be fairly easy to let bygones be bygones.
Route 1
1] Make sure there’s a worthwhile place at the top of the ladder. It would be very disappointing to work your way to the top just to find yourself heading up an American car manufacturer. So take a few moments to think about where you work, and what you’ll be doing if you make it to the top. If you’re not fond of your prospects, congratulations, you can skip the rest of this article and see what’s on HBO. Come back when you have a job you want. In the meantime, amuse your self with these:
2] Now that you’ve confirmed you want to be at the top of your current working environment, start networking. Networking consists of increasing your visibility and credibility within your working environment and community by connecting with people and creating relationships that might lead to more business for your firm. Sleeping with people is a great way to network. Most of the big wig corporate leaders network extremely well. The thing to remember about networking is not so much how you network, but who you network with. As long as you don’t network with anyone below your current title, consider yourself on the track to success.
3] Step three is perhaps the most crucial. Not everyone has the ability to properly network. (This is where the self-honesty comes into play.) Before determining if you have what it takes, you need to rank your looks, intelligence and flirtatious vs creepy factor according to the following scales:
Looks:
10=Antonio Banderas (from Desperado)
1=Dick Cheney (on any day)
Intelligence:
10=Albert Einstein
1=Dick Cheney
Flirtatious vs Creepy Factor:
10=Bill Clinton
1=Dick Cheney, or Creed from the Office
If the average of these is on the wrong side of 7, grab a coke and move down to Route 2.
4] Those of you who just changed your scores so that your average is now 7, too bad. You really need to be an 8. Quit lying to yourself, grab that coke and see Route 2.
5] Once you’ve confirmed you’ve got what it takes to network, get out there and make some contacts. Go to dinners, attend PR events, stakeout golf courses, crash other office parties, anything that it takes to meet people in charge. You may notice that you spend less time in the office, but that will probably remind you of your bosses. And since your goal is to be the boss, don’t worry about that so much.
6] A few months and several restraining orders later, you’ll have developed some solid relationships with potential clients. Bring up these potential leads to your superiors and lock in some new work for the firm. The ability to bring in work and get the company’s name out there will propel you to leadership status and transform you into someone who others look to for guidance and direction.
At this point, you’re at the end of the program, and well on your way to the big corner office. So start networking and good luck!
Route 2
Tough luck buddy, you’re probably screwed. The only way you’ll be moving up the corporate ladder is through hard work and dedication. And, since you’re spending your time reading this article, my guess is you’re the fast and easy type with “hard work and dedication” not really being your gig. So enjoy that coke, and maybe order in some sweet and sour chicken for lunch, because once you’re done, it’s back to work.
And, please remember, just because Route 2 is a bit less glamorous than Route 1, don’t take it upon yourself to move back up to Route 1 and try your ugly ass at networking. More than likely you’ll end up jobless with a sexual harassment suit on your hands.
Now, start working your way to the top!
The HA Guy
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