In these times of economic uncertainty, it’s incredibly important to do whatever it takes to maintain your job. So you show up on time, avoid surfing the Internet excessively, and keep your nose to the grind. But just as it’s extremely important to do the right things, it’s equally important to make sure you’re not doing the wrong things that can lead to losing your job. Unfortunately, there’s a lot of things people do every day that put them right at the top of their employer’s chopping list.
In order to help people stay on the island, I’ve developed a list of 10 things you might be doing that could lead you to an early trip to the unemployment line.
Avoid the following like hippies avoid soap.
10
Sending twitter messages during the work day. It might be alright for Shaq, but that’s only because he’s 12 feet tall and could eat his boss whole. (Plus he’s got his own martial arts video game. And once your name gets hyphenated with a “fu” and put on the cover of a video game, you can pretty much do whatever you want.)
9
Taking the newspaper from the front reception desk to the bathroom, staying on the can for the better part of an hour and then returning the paper back to the front desk. No one wants that paper back man, trust me.
8
Using the phone at work to handle very personal matters such as your recent diarrhea problems or your hemroid inflammations.
7
Showing up at 9:30, taking a 2 hour lunch and leaving by 5. Unless of course you’re Shaq, and have your own video game, in which case said behavior is completely acceptable.
6
Taking your shoes off at your desk when your feet smell like tuna salad.
5
Stealing from the office candy box. Theiving money from the company or customers (Comcast is currently robbing us blind) is generally considered fair game. But creeping the office supply of moon pies is completely unacceptable.
4
Displaying your lofty collection of Dilbert and Lord of the Rings figurines. Doesn’t speak well for your professionalism and if it comes down to you and someone with a grown up desk, you might as well start packing Frodo and the gang.
3
Making out with people in the office. While I think it’s cool, and am generally all for it, employers tend to frown upon said behavior. Probably best to save the lip tickling for after work or 2010, when the economy wakes up from it’s Wall Street hangover.
2
Eating tuna salad sandwiches. They smell like your feet.
1
Publicly admitting to listening and liking Michael Bolton music. Nothing will get you thrown out the door quicker.
The HA Guy
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How To Advance Your Career
How To Know When You’re The New Milton
If you’re like most people, you want to know how to move up the office chain of command as quickly as possible. And, if you’re like most people, you’ve probably read countless books, magazine articles, blogs and fortune cookie predictions on the subject, realizing they all say the same things: “dress for the job you want”, “avoid inner office relationships”, “keep ordering from Speedy Wang’s”, etc.
But if everyone is following these same principles, then you’ve probably found yourself lost in an office environment filled with sexual tension, people dressed exactly alike and way too much Chinese food.
The result is that you feel frustrated, having no idea how to advance your stagnating career.
Luckily, I’ve developed a program to help people like you jumpstart your career and get you moving toward success again. The program is simple, and includes two distinct routes that each end with you at the top. It will be up to you to determine which route to take, as each one focuses on a different personality type. Read through both and be completely honest with yourself in determining which route better suites your personality. Lying to yourself in the beginning only leads to confusion and pain in the end – unless of course you end up super rich, in which case it’ll be fairly easy to let bygones be bygones.
Route 1
1] Make sure there’s a worthwhile place at the top of the ladder. It would be very disappointing to work your way to the top just to find yourself heading up an American car manufacturer. So take a few moments to think about where you work, and what you’ll be doing if you make it to the top. If you’re not fond of your prospects, congratulations, you can skip the rest of this article and see what’s on HBO. Come back when you have a job you want. In the meantime, amuse your self with these:
2] Now that you’ve confirmed you want to be at the top of your current working environment, start networking. Networking consists of increasing your visibility and credibility within your working environment and community by connecting with people and creating relationships that might lead to more business for your firm. Sleeping with people is a great way to network. Most of the big wig corporate leaders network extremely well. The thing to remember about networking is not so much how you network, but who you network with. As long as you don’t network with anyone below your current title, consider yourself on the track to success.
3] Step three is perhaps the most crucial. Not everyone has the ability to properly network. (This is where the self-honesty comes into play.) Before determining if you have what it takes, you need to rank your looks, intelligence and flirtatious vs creepy factor according to the following scales:
Looks:
10=Antonio Banderas (from Desperado)
1=Dick Cheney (on any day)
Intelligence:
10=Albert Einstein
1=Dick Cheney
Flirtatious vs Creepy Factor:
10=Bill Clinton
1=Dick Cheney, or Creed from the Office
If the average of these is on the wrong side of 7, grab a coke and move down to Route 2.
4] Those of you who just changed your scores so that your average is now 7, too bad. You really need to be an 8. Quit lying to yourself, grab that coke and see Route 2.
5] Once you’ve confirmed you’ve got what it takes to network, get out there and make some contacts. Go to dinners, attend PR events, stakeout golf courses, crash other office parties, anything that it takes to meet people in charge. You may notice that you spend less time in the office, but that will probably remind you of your bosses. And since your goal is to be the boss, don’t worry about that so much.
6] A few months and several restraining orders later, you’ll have developed some solid relationships with potential clients. Bring up these potential leads to your superiors and lock in some new work for the firm. The ability to bring in work and get the company’s name out there will propel you to leadership status and transform you into someone who others look to for guidance and direction.
At this point, you’re at the end of the program, and well on your way to the big corner office. So start networking and good luck!
Route 2
Tough luck buddy, you’re probably screwed. The only way you’ll be moving up the corporate ladder is through hard work and dedication. And, since you’re spending your time reading this article, my guess is you’re the fast and easy type with “hard work and dedication” not really being your gig. So enjoy that coke, and maybe order in some sweet and sour chicken for lunch, because once you’re done, it’s back to work.
And, please remember, just because Route 2 is a bit less glamorous than Route 1, don’t take it upon yourself to move back up to Route 1 and try your ugly ass at networking. More than likely you’ll end up jobless with a sexual harassment suit on your hands.
Now, start working your way to the top!
The HA Guy
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